Friday, December 23, 2011

Economy-sized Walt Whitman, now with self-contradictory action (multitudes not included)

Now when I were a lad there were no support groups and role models for multiple-personality wannabees. Come adolescence, when realisation dawned that the concept of a unified, consistent single-threaded personality was a convenient social fiction, the only way we had to dramatise it was to read Steppenwolf. WE HAD IT TOUGH. Was there any transduction serum then, or any Riddled Evolvamat if one wanted to reify each facet of one's personality and catch up with a post-human world of "plural, median, multiple, otherkin, gateway, or anything related"? WAS THERE BOG-ROLL.

But now multiplicity is the new Emo, and Scanner Darkly scramble suits are the new black. The things people do to be sure that their parents don't understand them. So far the movement is lacking a figurehead band with a multiple-personality lead singer prone to switching alters in mid-song and becoming an emergency back-up bassist, but it can only be a matter of time.

Sorry, shouldn't say *lt*r. The preferred term for the parallel personalities sharing a body is now "headmates" after a leading brand of marine flush toilet. I am a crazy uncle and these solecisms are to be expected. Also my Cruiskeen Lawn, get off it, and give me back my ear-trumpet.

One question remains: why have these multiplicity activists chosen the manta ray as their totemic animal? What is wrong with the time-honoured Bruegel cod-fish?

13 comments:

wiley said...

When I read s léir gur mó a bhíd ag bronnadh ná ag glacadh mar gur annsa leo an tuiseal tabharthach.
I said, "Yeah. Word. I can dig it. Wish I had some weed, 'cause this is so deep and otherly and foreign languagey & shit. It probably means somethin' like 'Life is a garden. Dig it' or something groovy like that."

Smut Clyde said...

this is so deep and otherly and foreign languagey & shit.

Ah, Gaelic. I subscribe to the theory that Gaelic spelling is based on a bunch of Irish monks back in the year 832 or thereabouts, asking themselves "How shall we spell this word?" and shoving their hands into a bag of Scrabble letters.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Why go to all that trouble when you can just blame Thers, S.C.
~

Rachel said...

The marine toilet's "rugged durability in a compact design" excludes it from connotations intended by headmate... we must instead consider its variegated contents!

Substance McGravitas said...

Mantal cruelty.

El Manquécito said...

Smut's right (heh, how often do you say that?), there is no logical association between how gaelic is spelled and how it is pronounced. Why? is a difficult question, I had not considered the idea of a bag of scrabble tiles being involved but it's just as probable as any other answer.

vacuumslayer said...

It's so hard to keep up with what the hipsters are up to. I'd say that multiple personalities are still more flattering than skinny jeans. Plus, your other personalities can't make you look fat* or give you yeast infections.


*if some of your multiples are unkind, they may make you FEEL fat

tigris said...

Smut's right (heh, how often do you say that?)

There were monthly quotas in the contract.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

What is wrong with the time-honoured Bruegel cod-fish?

I prefer the alzabo as a totem myself!

tigris said...

Merry Christmas, all

Smut Clyde said...

Was it $mas? I can't remember a thing for the last 24 hours. One of my other personalities must have been fronting.

mikey said...

Post christmas interviews unfortunately reveal I punched my Brother in Law's cousin in the head, but he was already drunk and they don't seem to remember the event.

Meh. He's a dick.

But the general consensus is christmas mikey is angry and violent, while memorial day mikey is pretty funny.

Dammit

Substance McGravitas said...

The trick is to put Christmas mikey in a long tube and aim the open end at the person who fucking regifted you your own gift.