Saturday, January 28, 2012

Poke in ham

Another Kiwi recently touched on the use of shrubbery as concealment. It is an old tradition, or a charter or something, dating back to the time of the Roman Empire.
Of course as pioneers it would be unreasonable to expect the Romans to have ascended straight to the acme of perfection. Still, the shields are a dead giveaway.The worst part of disguised-as-shrubbery reconnaissance work for a Legionary was being widdled on by elephants.

Not Sky-clad
As prescribed in the Calendar of Ceremonies, with Hunky-Dory the foul-mouthed misanthropic Master of Ritual providing a stream of profanity-spiced instructions, Uncle the 77th Earl of Homeward was roused from his bed on the morn of his 12th birthday. Ignoring his querulous eye-rubbing demands for explanations, unspeaking servitors ushered him through the north-facing Strait Gate of Homeward, past the mud hut dwellings of the Bright Carvers, and into the forest that cloaked the foothills. "The Heir of Homeward goes sky-clad," they told him when he asked for his comfortable purple dressing-gown. "The Heir of Homeward widdles on the armour in the shrubbery." A trail of corroded trophies from past enactments of the ceremony stretched far into the distance like a road into the past.

This event, fanning a spark of resentment against the weight of changeless immemorial tradition, laid down the course of Uncle's youth. It inspired the career of rebellion that would one day lead him beyond the walls of Homeward, to Oxford University, where he would steal a bicycle.


I do not believe that there is anyone else writing Gormenghast / Uncle mash-ups, so I have the field to myself. And who is to say that Mervyn Peake did not meet up with Rev. J. P. Martin at a bar one day in the late 1940s and collaborate on a joint manuscript?

Here are some Trigan Roman legionaries spying on the enemy without even a minimal Ikebana-style shrubbery disguise.

CONCEALMENT FAIL. This will not end well.

18 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

One-Armed Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger...
~

Laura said...

I can think of nothing worse at this time, than being piddled on by an elephant.
Well, I suppose they could do something worse.....

((Hugs))
Laura

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

* poop *
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Looks like a job for Roger The Shrubber.

mikey said...

Kay, couple'a things here.

First, of COURSE the dood didn't bother with any kind of decent concealment or, for that matter, any actual minimal tactical doctrine whatsoever - dood's name was BRAG, fer crissakes. You don't put Lt. Brag in charge of anything, except maybe for Dien Bien Phu, or maybe Bataan - he'll hold out longer trying to find an outcome he can brag about.

The other thing concerns the longstanding tradition of anthropomorphising, even naming, one's sword. That's all well and good, and certainly nothing demonstrably negative accrues from the practice, but if one finds that one's sword is gay, one probably shouldn't choose to OUT it in the midst of a battle. Either come to terms with the proclivities of your weapons early in the bonding process, or work hard to not notice the differences, at least until you and your sword are old.

Lastly, and purely out of a desire to fill a gap in my knowledge, what sort of ammunition goes in Ray Guns??

Substance McGravitas said...

Rays. DUH.

Smut Clyde said...

what sort of ammunition goes in Ray Guns??

Bradburies.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Ya doesn't have to call them Ray.

Substance McGravitas said...

But of course rays can be harvested for both good and evil purposes.

Smut Clyde said...

Could have guessed that Substance would know Remedios Varo's work.
If VS is not familiar with Varo than she SHOULD BE.

tigris said...

SOMEone forgot to iron the elephants.

mikey said...

The Ukulele-as-jewelry is brilliant. I'm thinking I ought to wear something like that.

Or maybe a Jews Harp instead...

Another Kiwi said...

"earning deathless glory" is not much chop when you are deader than last week's Jonah Goldberg mindfart.
I tend to side with Brave Sir John Flastaff in this matter.
What is honour? a word. What is in that word honour? what
is that honour? air. A trim reckoning! Who hath it?
he that died o’ Wednesday. Doth he feel it? no. Doth he hear it? no. ‘Tis insensible, then. Yea,
to the dead. But will it not live with the living? no. Why? detraction will not suffer it. Therefore I’ll none of it. Honour is a mere scutcheon: and so ends my catechism.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

SQUIRREL.

Smut Clyde said...

Was that an observation, or a request?

vacuumslayer said...

If VS is not familiar with Varo than she SHOULD BE.

You've pointed me to her stuff before, and I though it was amazing.

Then again, I don't know you've ever pointed to a piece I haven't liked. I don't know if you and I have similar taste, or you just have exceptional taste that I admire.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I do not believe that there is anyone else writing Gormenghast / Uncle mash-ups, so I have the field to myself.

How soon before this degenerates into Flay/One Armed Badger slashfic?

Smut Clyde said...

That would require effort.
Also it would have to be Flay / Old Monkey.

Dr Prunesqualor / A.B. Fox is possible.