Saturday, February 25, 2012

Dlogging: Riding the Underground, swimming in sweat edition

As any fule kno, the Underground networks of the world are interconnected by the power of Narrativium so that one may travel anywhere if one knows the passwords. This is a great convenience for those times when the Riddled time-machine is out of action and Greenish Hugh reckons that no-one's making spare fan-belts for that model any more.

One also needs the timetables in your original Enochian, as recorded in the Metronomicon, the Book of Binding of the Tube. With luck the library pixies will be feeling cooperative and will let you borrow the Riddled copy of Abdul Al-Hazmat's blasphemous tome, or otherwise you will not be able to join us on the picnic expedition to Homeward.

For it happens that Homeward does have its own train network, and is therefore accessible.

We will visit the Crookball people, who live atop Lonely Tower (at the end of a great stone staircase with 2000 steps) and play the swallow-tub trumpet and are photosynthetic.

Homeward is hard to describe, but try to think of about a hundred skyscrapers all joined together and surrounded by a moat with a drawbridge over it, and you'll get some idea. The towers are of many colours, and there are bathing pools and gardens amongst them, also switchback railways running from tower to tower, and water-chutes from top to bottom.

The Black Orbs on the moat are a serious impediment to shipping.
Homeward is riddled with sliding panels, concealed doors and secret passageways and tunnels. These provide a never-ending succession of surprises to its owner, although they are entirely familiar to his adversaries, the Vodalarians Badfort gang.

These were constructed by Wizard Blenkinsop -- clearly a Cacogen or Hierodule -- much as Father Inire constructed a similar network of Ames-room-perspective corridors within the interstices of the Citadel of the Autarch:
“Oh, no. All these things [...] make up what we call the Second House. They are the work of Father Inire, who was called by the first Autarch to create a secret palace within the walls of the House Absolute. You or I, my son, would no doubt have built a mere suite of concealed rooms. He contrived that the hidden house should be everywhere coextensive with the public one.”
Perhaps Homeward and the Citadel are the same building. Only the library pixies know for sure. Clearly there is room for a cross-over novel in which Uncle and the Old Monkey are revealed to be Baldanders and Doctor Talos respectively.

12 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I remember seeing that dog, err guy, on the 7 train!
~

vacuumslayer said...

OK, when I have a moment, I am coming back to this post...I have...so...many...questions.

ckc (not kc) said...

It was now nearly daylight, and the extent of the damage could be seen.

(I'll clean it up when my head stops hurting)

Another Kiwi said...

Why is uncle all covered in Smuts when he's in the deckchair with the binoculars? Is this a coded message. Smut=Uncle???

ckc (not kc) said...

I've occasionally (just now) been struck by the deontological (You WILL floss, or I will make your gums BLEED!!) relationship between a cross-over an a reach-around.

(oops, got to go - trolley to catch)

Substance McGravitas said...

Abdul Al-Hazmat

I used to have an excellent shirt that had a much more complicated version of the flowcharts pictured here. Looks like HazTech founder Mr. Turkington has a very interesting book for sale.

Smut Clyde said...

a much more complicated version of the flowcharts
I followed that link to a HazCat site. Someone is confused. What next? LOLcheezbergers?

Substance McGravitas said...

Confusion?
Of course:

HAZTECH SYSTEMSTM ,Inc.
Unknown Substances Field Identification Systems Since 1982


I wonder if they've identified Morgellons fibres yet.

tigris said...

"Char Hairpin Test"

You'd think a cat would know a string when it saw one.

Smut Clyde said...


Chemicals Used for Illegal Purposes


Not an autobiography.

Substance McGravitas said...

Well, if you're this guy's dad...

allison said...

Why was I not aware of the "Uncle" books before this??!!