Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Geeks bearing gifts

It is purely a coincidence and not at all a shameless exploitation of recent tragedy that our new Anti-Face-Eating Cage has just come into stock at the Riddled gift-shop, which you will pass through at the end of your tour of the well-appointed Riddled Research Laboratory and Milking-Machine Maintenance Workshop. The Anti-Face-Eating Cage is available in all two sizes, to fit both adults and heavily-tattooed hypochondroplastic dwarves with detachable arms.
Other new additions to the Gift Shop, which you would know about already if you subscribed to the e-mail version of the catalog:

(2) Giant sea urchin cushion. Very realistic. Breaks the ice at parties. Screams of agony guaranteed. Replaces the Jubolitoire Exploding Fart Cocktail, withdrawn from sale due to one or two regrettable but unforeseeable incidents and the unreasonable nature of New Zealand's product-liability laws.

(3) "Objet Dart" vertical dartboard. A great space-saver, ideal for the compact apartment life-style. Encourages agility when dodging darts that miss the board. Trained dart-retrieval pigeon and disembodied levitating hands not included.

(4) Haven't you always wanted to dress up as an inflatable six-legged pig, possibly to attend a Dürer-themed costume party? Or due to an unwholesome fascination with deep-sea echinoderms? Now you can, thanks to Riddled Enterprises, always working to meet consumer demand, under the streetlight on the Vivian-Street / Victoria-St corner!

Six-legged pig production totally not outsourced to China.

Do not over-inflate Six-Legged Inflatable Pig. Over-inflation may result in lawsuits from Pink Floyd's copyright enforcement department.

19 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

"Eyes Without A Face"
~

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

P.S. I fixed the small picture problem on my "House Finch" post.

I started a new post, copied in all the text, and reloaded each picture. Then I pasted it all back into the old post and republished it (thus preserving the comments).
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Can't fool me. Even George Orwell knew that attachment of a simple Rodent Delivery Apparatus converts that to a Face Eating Cage.

Might as well call this blog Room 101.

fish said...

I remain unconvinced that sea urchins can be used as a hemorrhoid treatment.

tigris said...

I thought Sleipnir was a horse? Also, why is the mannequin carrying voles in her armpits? Armpit warmers seem a bit overkill when one is nearly naked. Also too someone who is not me should tell her that while the whisk as bikini bottom may indeed improve her radio reception it does not actually provide much in the way of coverage.

tigris said...

fish, everyone who's tried it has immediately forgotten about their hemorrhoids.

mikey said...

The Sea Urchin may well be a terrible idea, but those socks are FABULOUS!!

Substance McGravitas said...

Dressing up as a pig is sexy enough, but SIX legs make it perfect for buggery.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I thought Sleipnir was a horse?

Well... Sleipnir and Gullinborsti had a baby...

Substance McGravitas said...

Slopnir.

mikey said...

Sleipnir and Gullinborsti had a baby...

Lo Lobey?

Smut Clyde said...

I thought Sleipnir was a horse?

Even at the Old Entomologist, few people rate for my theory that Sleipnir was in fact a tardigrade and that the Elder Edda was a coded treatise in phyletic relationships within the Pananthropoda clade.

vacuumslayer said...

Is the heart-shaped vagina-mask available in the gift shoppe, as well?

vacuumslayer said...

I was, as always, asking for a friend.

Smut Clyde said...

the heart-shaped vagina-mask

The secret of concealing one's identity is to disguise the parts of one's body that are most familiar to everyone else.

vacuumslayer said...

My friend is a slut.

Smut Clyde said...

the heart-shaped vagina-mask

Title of an unpublished Angela Carter essay.

vacuumslayer said...

I dont know whom Angela Carter is but she obviously has great taste in essay titles.

fish said...

I would recommend she return to wearing her heart on her sleeve.