Thursday, August 9, 2012

Hell has turned soft and is just not the same as it was in our day. I blame do-gooders

At a well-attended press conference today, called at short notice to put an end to what was described as "baseless and irresponsible speculation", a Spokesimp for the interim administration of Tartarus announced that certain minor changes would be made to some of the torments.

Asked how the residents felt about these changes, the spokesimp noted that some of the longer-term guests of Tartarus were rather set in their ways, and reacted negatively to anything different. He expressed confidence that the likes of Ixion and Sisyphus would soon come to see the benefits of futility and frustration expressed through a Zorb and a set of rebounding rubber skittles, rather than fiery wheels and rocks and mountain-sides with all the risk of injury and repetitive strain. He assured his audience that these changes had been under consideration for some time, and the timetable had been brought forward to meet new workplace safety standards. Cost-cutting was not a factor.

The spokesimp stated, in response to a question about converting Tartarus into a theme park, that the administrators were "open to all possibilities". However, rumours that plans were afoot to close the venerable institution were emphatically rejected as "unfounded".

At the end of the press conference, journalists were presented with printed and electronic copies of the full press release, dangling just out of reach.



Chaining with hooks to a slab of rock for eleven hundred years does not meet current Health and Safety regulations.

16 comments:

vacuumslayer said...

How does one say something handsomely?

It's like saying something orangely.

vacuumslayer said...

Maybe the monster guy is into it. Some people do like that shit, ya know. *shudders*

Smut Clyde said...

Do not start me quoting from 'Jurgen' (or indeed from 'Sandman') about Hell as a self-inflicted combination of masochism and pride, or we will be here all night.
[checks watch] OK, all morning.

vacuumslayer said...

But if you spend all your time talking about Jurgen, when will you get around to schizophrenia and salted pineapple trade?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Chaining with hooks to a slab of rock for eleven hundred years

How many sequels is the Hellraiser franchise up to these days?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Jurgen, when will you get around to schizophrenia and salted pineapple trade?


All.
One.
Topic.

vacuumslayer said...

It's why we come to Riddled!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

So the punishment for inventing a lotion is hell?

You learn something new everyday.
~

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

It's like saying something orangely.

John Boehner has no problem with this.

But if you spend all your time talking about Jurgen, when will you get around to schizophrenia and salted pineapple trade?

Don't forget the feral babies and puffer fish helmets!

fish said...

Do not start me quoting from 'Jurgen' (or indeed from 'Sandman') about Hell as a self-inflicted combination of masochism and pride,

Or Sandman Slim, where hell is apparently a slightly modified version of Los Angeles.

wiley said...

Make it stop! Make it STOP! It hurts!! OW!!!

Substance McGravitas said...

Where'd you upload that gif?

Smut Clyde said...

I tucked it away in one of those Picasa web-albums that came with the blog.
Alas, a lot of the links to animated GIFs in earlier posts have been broken because Blogger changed the names of files within that album, so I had to patch them up again.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Calling 2 frames "animation" is kind of overstating it.

Substance McGravitas said...

Obviously not a fan of the Bakshi Spider-Man.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I don't think it even qualifies as two frames.