Hell has turned soft and is just not the same as it was in our day. I blame do-gooders

At a well-attended press conference today, called at short notice to put an end to what was described as "baseless and irresponsible speculation", a Spokesimp for the interim administration of Tartarus announced that certain minor changes would be made to some of the torments.

Asked how the residents felt about these changes, the spokesimp noted that some of the longer-term guests of Tartarus were rather set in their ways, and reacted negatively to anything different. He expressed confidence that the likes of Ixion and Sisyphus would soon come to see the benefits of futility and frustration expressed through a Zorb and a set of rebounding rubber skittles, rather than fiery wheels and rocks and mountain-sides with all the risk of injury and repetitive strain. He assured his audience that these changes had been under consideration for some time, and the timetable had been brought forward to meet new workplace safety standards. Cost-cutting was not a factor.

The spokesimp stated, in response to a question about converting Tartarus into a theme park, that the administrators were "open to all possibilities". However, rumours that plans were afoot to close the venerable institution were emphatically rejected as "unfounded".

At the end of the press conference, journalists were presented with printed and electronic copies of the full press release, dangling just out of reach.



Chaining with hooks to a slab of rock for eleven hundred years does not meet current Health and Safety regulations.