Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Fire of unknown origin

Good news for the owners of ruly beards! There is a sudden fad in the world of Science for investigating facial hair -- preferably one's own -- as protection against UV radiation.*

Does this inspire the Riddled Research Laboratory to examine the efficacy of beards as protection against spontaneous human combustion and fire-starting pyrokinetics? Why yes, it evidently does, for values of "inspire" that include "giving tigris an excuse to poke AK and I with a stick until we make something up."

As shown here, the rate of a-cappella-singing-related spontaneous combustion among unbearded volunteers subjects is as high as 50%.** Conversely, the number of luxuriantly-bearded Riddled bloggers who have succumbed in this way is statistically indistinguishable from 0.

Beards are also known to have protective value against cats, mediums, and unwanted sexual attentions from nubile ladies... but not against chickens.
* Beardart from 50 Watts.
** Insert own joke about barber-shop quartets.

UPDATE: Anyone making up limericks involving 'pursuit', 'hirsute' and 'fur-suit' will incur a summary banning.

UPDATE2 (for tigris): 
Here's an image from the control experiment, in which an unbearded mannequin is exposed to anti-UV light from an anti-source.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

So your beard protects you from cats, S.C.?

How about orbs?

tigris said...

You know, I think if the poking-stick were a lit match we could make this happen...

Also, if beards evolved to protect the face from UV wouldn't women have them too? I'd say the fact only men have fairly screams "sexual display" except that apparently it's for repelling rather than attracting the nubile ladies. Maybe there's something with the chickens worth looking into.

mikey said...

Excuse me.


Sounds wrong to me. What kind of spontaneous inferno emits a sound like that? Beyonce as firestarter? Walt Disney does medieval torture flick? Deion Sanders gets a new teevee gig?

Trust me on this. In the future, stick with the tried-and-true "Whoooosh". Everyone will feel better if you do...

Sirius Lunacy said...

The lamestream media is covering it up, but it's only a matter of time before we learn the truth about all the spontaneous combusting that happened on the set of Gomer Pyle

Substance McGravitas said...

The solution to global warming is then to round up beard producers for harvest and shoot beard particles into the atmosphere with really cool cannons.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Maybe if you could illustrate this concept with a .gif of some sort, S_McG?

Smut Clyde said...

Sounds wrong to me. What kind of spontaneous inferno emits a sound like that?

The cartoonist was French. Spontaneous infernos in France sound different from English ones (same as cats in Japan go "nyan").

Another Kiwi said...

Why did the tennis ball stop beside the candle on that lady's shoulder? Sometimes science is difficult.

tigris said...

Perhaps it's an egg, and proof that beards are not needed to attract tiny baby chinkins.