Saturday, September 22, 2012

They're burning witches Up on Punishment Hill

One of these passages comes from a pair of impotence-obsessed German misogynists in 1486. The other is from two days ago, from an American conservative radio propagandist with a history of emasculation issues, and indeed a complete bound set. See if you can tell which is which!

We have already shown that they can take away the male organ, not indeed by actually despoiling the human body of it, in the manner which we have already declared. And of this we shall instance a few examples. In the town of Ratisbon a certain young man who had an intrigue with a girl, wishing to leave her, lost his member; that is to say, some glamour was cast over it so that he could see or touch nothing but his smooth body. In his worry over this he went to a tavern to drink wine; and after he had sat there for a while he got into conversation with another woman who was there, and told her the cause of his sadness, explaining everything, and demonstrating in his body that it was so. The woman was astute, and asked whether he suspected anyone; and when he named such a one, unfolding the whole matter, she said: “If persuasion is not enough, you must use some violence, to induce her to restore to you your health.” [...]
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Air pollution, global warming, has been shown to negatively impact penis size, say Italian researchers. I don’t buy this. I think it’s feminism. If it’s tied to the last 50 years, the average size of a member is 10% smaller in 50 years, it has to be the feminazis. I mean, the chickification, everything else.
Evidently the American Right's descent into the Dark Ages is progressing faster than even cynics had expected.* At least the two authors in 1486 were widely condemned by their peers for being an unethical bloodthirsty couple of sick fucks with heads full of maggots.

No-one has been able to trace the source of the "new Italian study on sexuality" [...] that says the average size of a penis is roughly 10 percent smaller than it was 50 years ago." Everyone sees how unlikely it is that their own country would tolerate an agency that had authority to make accurate, objective measurements of penis size over the last 50 years, but if you tell them it's in Italy, people think "Oh yeah, Italians."

The nearest thing is a pair of Italian researchers who recently gained the impression that penis size was a source of increasing anxiety among males -- perhaps having checked the contents of their e-mail spam folders -- and decided to review the literature on p3n1s enlargement methods to see what (if anything) made a difference:

* Even cynics who were asking back in May,
Am I alone in thinking that if Heinrich “Malleus” Kramer were alive today, he’d have a successful career in US politics?
BONUS Malleus Maleficarium news:
The stage version of the Malleus was described as "the second worst West End musical of all time".

Some blogs are tasteless, and would sensationalise this scene with an animated gif or such as. At Riddled we have more class than that.

11 comments:

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

"new Italian study on sexuality" [...] that says the average size of a penis is roughly 10 percent smaller than it was 50 years ago."

The results of the study were wrong about the causation- the real problem is that the entire Cazzone family was killed in a tragic hotel fire during their 1986 family reunion.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

At Riddled we have more class than that.

FOR NOW!
~

tigris said...

I really doubt organs eat oats and corn. Nor can they be kept in a box once they swell to great.

mikey said...

Oh crimeny. The old women putting everyone's dick in a birds nest again. Christ, the last time Riddled provided this image, I had nightmares of blind, fleshy wormlike junk wriggling about in a birds nest in order to get to the oats first. Like great big grubs or maggots, reeking of smegma and spitting urine at one another in mindless defense...

Substance McGravitas said...

It's a lot like life.

M. Bouffant said...

Mmmm, smooth, clean & hairless ... no more dirty thoughts ...

mikey said...

It's a lot like life.

But a lot penisier...

Smut Clyde said...

I had nightmares of blind, fleshy wormlike junk wriggling about in a birds nest in order to get to the oats first.

I had a mental image of a whole series of penes pecking their way across the screen, following a trail of oats, only to be snapped up by an evil witch creature bobbing up and down on spider legs.
If only there were someone with the skills to animate it.

You have to admit that a box of cocks would be useful when you are called upon to quell an entire stampede of enraged elephants.

Smut Clyde said...

a certain young man who had an intrigue with a girl, wishing to leave her, lost his member

The story has a happy ending -- the young man goes back to Ratisbon and finds his ex-lady-love, and indeed his boyparts spring back into life when he starts strangling her.

The Malleus is full of cheerful and approvingly-cited anecdotes in which some man denounces his wife for using witchcraft on him, as proven by the fact that he has Happy Fun Time with her but turns into Mr Floppy when he tries to have affairs.

Another Kiwi said...

Wait! Wait! I'm still working out who said what!

alison said...

"new Italian study on sexuality" - no doubt published in the Italian version of the Daily Fail... er.. Mail.