Sunday, December 2, 2012

Came up the river on the last banana cabbage boat

Brazilian Wandering Spiders have mad hobo skills. Rather than construct their own webs they ride the freight trains all around their home country, singing "Rock Candy Mountain" and communicating with others of their kind via little scratched marks that show whether the weaver of an established web is sympathetic to requests for food in exchange for work.
Yoga spidra in Lotus Posture
Some of them are employed by the Banana Promotional Council to tour the world by cargo ship and make promotional appearances in the supermarkets of England and Germany and Denmark and the Netherlands. Contractual obligations for these appearances impose a rigid script in which the words "the world's most venomous and aggressive spiders" invariably appear.

Others eke out a more settled existence by selling their venom to erectile-dysfunction researchers, who believe that it causes engorgement of the engorgeables,* i.e. SURPRISE EREKSHUN.** Much of the research focusses on the problem of persuading the spider to bite the intended body part.
In Brazil, emergency room staff can immediately spot the victims of a bite from the Brazilian wandering spider (Phoneutria nigriventer). Patients not only experience overall pain and an increase in blood pressure, they also sport an uncomfortable erection.

"The erection is a side effect that everybody who gets stung by this spider will experience along with the pain and discomfort," said study team member Romulo Leite of the Medical College of Georgia.
That must be particularly disconcerting for women.
* Not to be confused with 'priapism' which is a bodily transformation into a priapulid worm.

** Not desirable in supermarkets, except on Singles Night, hence the unpopularity of the spider in Northern Europe


zombie rotten mcdonald said...

crappiest bOC lyric EVER.

Smut Clyde said...

I think you will find, sir, that these are actually Kim Dotcom lyrics. Though hilarity would surely ensue if he and BOC were to collaborate.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Jonathan Richman should write those spiders a song.

J— said...

said study team member Romulo Leite

Very interesting, Dr. Milk, if that is indeed your real name.

J— said...

Clicking through links--Wikipedia on banana spiders to Wikipedia in priapism--brought me here, to a guy named Wolf who sued BMW because his bike gives him a boner.

mikey said...

Last year when I was briefly gainfully employed the company I worked for had an Enterprise Salesperson named Miriam who was from Ireland, was 6'2" tall and quite nicely dressed, although it is fair to say that her little black dress was only little in the most relative, or perhaps ironic sense.

She gave me a boner. Every time.

And yesterday, out of the blue (h/t to Nice Guy Eddie) she pinged me with a linkedin request.

THAT gave me a boner too...

Dr.KennethNoisewater said...

That's nice, mikey, but I would be wary of 6'2" spiders named "Miriam."

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

One would think that priapism spiders would hitch rides on banana hammocks, rather than banana boats.

El Manquécito said...

Sure, Irish women will give you a boner but will they ever take one?

mikey said...

A reasonable question, El, but in many ways it might be a good thing if she didn't.

I'm pretty sure she could hurt me very badly, entirely by accident.

Of course, THAT also gives me a boner...

Smut Clyde said...

but I would be wary of 6'2" spiders named "Miriam."

If nothing else, you're going to spend a lot more time shopping for shoes when your SO has eight legs.

Smut Clyde said...

a guy named Wolf who sued BMW because his bike gives him a boner.

Yes, it was probably a mistake to market a bicycle with fishnet stockings.
Will no-one think of the molecule exchange?

Substance McGravitas said...

are a genus of defensive and highly venomous spiders

Never call tag fail on a Brazilian wandering spider.