Insert vague promise here about dissolving keratin, rejuvenating collagen and smoothing out wrinkles. Creating new ones somewhere else but trade-offs are unavoidable.
Not to mention the monkey suits.
Sometimes what they think is a snail turns out to be a Hermit Moose, and there is trampling and tossing and goring. Yet the pixies appear to relish the excitement. Life is cheap for them.
Even so, the margins of books in the Riddled library can only provide so many snails -- not enough to keep up with demand, what with so many hipsters flocking to our facilities. Book your appointment now, we are turning customers away!
More specifically, Ermintrude van Holsterin (Grannie-at-Law) is turning away customers. We sub-contracted her for this duty as she hates everyone and "Shouting at people until they go someplace else" is a service she happily provides without remuneration.
Note that our therapy is totally wholesome and natural so there is absolutely no chance of untoward side-effects from over-exposure to the secretions of our 99.5% genetically-unmodified snails.
If only we could say the same for certain other research institutes, quick to ride the coat-tails of our success. We will avoid invidious comparisons and merely point out that rival services use giant banana slugs, lack proper clinics so that customers are forced to stand, and are only available for body-painted Mickey Mouse cos-players.