Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Mooncalf Maunder Minimum

So there we were, laying a trail of hay to lead a pair of bovine alien-bait or "cows" from the Cattle Mutilation Field Station into the Evolvamat.

It started with Another Kiwi vouchsafing his skepticism about the very existence of 'mooncalves'... he pointed out that Ted Hughes (the leading authority on selenological flora and fauna) makes no mention of them in his magisterial tome. I was not convinced, for the Lunar Republicans are depicted as big-boned well-fed, to a degree that is hard to achieve without a dietary dependence on large quantities of cheese. After applying quality control to several pints of Old Blandings Shoat Tonic and Scythe Sharpener, we decided that an empirical test was in order, for which purpose the Evolvamat is ideal.

The resulting transformations were rather disturbing, unnecessarily licky, and unlikely to produce any milk.
 photo monkcalf1.gif
At this point we decided to abandon the experiment and cover up the evidence in the usual chrononautical manner, i.e. by taking the mutated calves back to 1522 in the Riddled time machine and leaving them on a star-blighted Freiberg farm. IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY. How were we to know that a whole unfortunate sequence of events would ensue, with a confusion between the words 'mooncalf' and 'monk-calf', and charges of heresy against the unfortunate calves? No-one could have foreseen that the consequent hearings and appeals would go all the way up to the top, culminating in a synodical hearing before Pope Adrian VI in person:

What initially triggered our conversation was a recent headline about vat-grown dairy products -- something which not bode well for New Zild's cow-related economy.

The entrepreneurs in question, Californian-funded but working in Ireland, aim for a 2016 delivery date. They are at least aware that there are 8 different casein proteins to be synthesised for Soylent Cream.

But isn't it always the same? -- you wait and wait for researchers to promise artificial milk, with GMO yeast synthesising proteins to mix with watered-down margarine, then two groups come along on the same day! The rival team are based in the SF Bay Area, and we know the people are serious and have stabilised their technology because the team "is well on its way to getting its Indiegogo campaign funded" in time to market the product by the end of 2014. Also their previous project was to eliminate gonorrhea using mutant bacteriophages so they have a proven track record.

Here at Riddled we incline to blame Robert Silverberg for causing this situation of Dueling Dairies, by writing a 1959 story in which cheese-deprived technicians on a moon base cobble together a Milk Machine from scavenged laboratory piping and tissue culture. That story -- reinforced by Wim Delvoye's similarly-intended Cloaca Machine -- created a perturbation in the morphogenic field, and made the advent of mockmilk inevitable.

"Going back to the treason hearing of the calves," I said, "this whole late-medieval tradition of legal prosecution of animals is fascinating. Also, Evans' book on the subject has the best deadpan-humour index EVAH... it is the material of stand-up comedy."
"Try the veal," AK suggested.


Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Milk from yeast? Who's making a machine small enough to fit their udders?

OBS said...

I feel sorry for the poor yeasts that were cursed and manipulated into making man-made moo-juice. They should be fat and happy, mellowing in a nice cozy fermenter, converting sugar into alcohol AS HOLY FSM INTENDED!

Pupienus Maximus said...

I eagerly await my first serving of milquetoast made with artificial cow sweat - well, its much like sweat - and abundant toast from the abundant bread floating around.

Pupienus Maximus said...

Abundant is in abundance.

Smut Clyde said...

What's all this about a bun dance?

fish said...

I think you misspelled "latte-medieval"

fish said...

What if I can't prove I am not a robot? Where is Harrison Ford when you need him?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

fish would flunk his Voight-Kampff test on porpoise.

Smut Clyde said...

A fluke result.

Would yeast-synthesised black pudding be kosher? AFAF.