Monday, December 29, 2014

Post Christmas Toupée

"I do not think" said tigris "that the Almond trees have ever looked so Almondy, before".
"I have seen Almond trees in South Australia" I said.
"Really" said tigris, "did they look very Almondy?"
"It was at night and there was alcohol involved" I explained "The Hanged Man Basket Press Shiraz with added vitamins. I do not recall how Almondy the trees looked"
"You would have to have a base measurement of Almondish looking" interjected Smut Clyde " with points plotted on a curve so you could measure the intensity. In a twin study"
"I don't know what the incidence of twinship is in Almonds" I vouchsafed "Trees are all pretty much the same, aren't they"
"Yes" said tigris "A pine tree is just like a willow tree" 
"Except" said Smut "When it come to making cricket bats. A pine bat is useless, bits come off the side"
"Also" I explained with the experience of watching "The World's Most Dangerous Job" "It is full of knots, pine. You wouldn't know where the ball was going to go when you hit it" I paused to think "I wonder if we used pine knot bats at school?"
"Alan Knott" said tigris fresh from watching "A History of the English Speaking People and Australia" "Was a very good wicket keeper/ batsman for England"
"Not Derek Randall?" I asked
"No" said tigris "he played for Nottinghamshire, not Notts with Knott'
"Ah" I said "I'm glad that's sorted"
"Ah hah" said Smut "I know this one. Alan Knott was playing and had scored no runs and the commentator said "Knott's not out on nought". This caused people all over England to die from Hilarian Tremens"
We looked at him through a storm of raised eyebrows.
"I saw it on "English Humour: A guide for Foreigners" " he said. "23 bleeding episodes and I miss the one with Dame Margot Fonteyn and the banana skin."
"I think" I said turning over the top card of my Village Happy Families Cardgame "that if anyone could do the banana splits it would be her." I turned the card back down.
"That was Mr. Plod the Policeman" said Smut "he's goes in the top right corner with Esme Plod."
"Not today" I said "Esme has joined the Village Civil Liberties Council and there is tension between them."
"This is the Sims version?" asked Smut.
"It is the AK version" I said.
This caused a silence as we all remembered my attempts to introduce railways to Settlers of Cataan. A game that desperately needed modernising in my opinion.
Finally tigris said "The Christmas Ale turned out nice."
"Yes" said Smut "It has provided talking points for years to come"
"I expect that Space-Time-Eddie will come down from the roof  soon" said tigris.
"Mrs Miggins, should have better labelling on her raspberry buns" said Smut "Just saying "A magical experience awaits you" is not enough"
"It should say "Warning, may cause severe whatsit in transdimensional beings" " I said.
"Sittting on the roof and going "meep meep" kind of whatsit" added tigris.
 "Good reception on the TV while he's there" I noted.
"And it's time for "A History of New Zealand bee-keepers: Some of us didn't climb bleeding mountains" said Smut.
A Willow tree expressing displeasure about being turned into a cricket bat for Alan Knott


Smut Clyde said...

Who wants the animated-GIF version?

Smut Clyde said...

"English Humour: A guide for Foreigners"

Let the record show that my people do so have a sense of humour. It is just that we are afraid of wearing it out by overuse.

rhwombat said...

Oh ja, geschieht Herr Doktor, aber was, wenn Sie versuchen?

rhwombat said... it's actually Sir Space-Time-Eddie, the apex apical apiarist? No wonder your TV reception is good. I only met Sir Ed once, but a deficiency of Hallucigenia for the raspberry buns meant that he went "Hallo, how are you?" not "meep meep".