Tuesday, December 2, 2014

When politicians talk of resurrection I reach for my shovel

The reader who has been paying attention to the seething viper pit suspended over a lake of lava and hanging by rusty cables that is Australian politics would have been glued to their iPod "tovarishch" (political model) this weekend as the runes were read for the election in the great state of Victoria, mate. As usual most of the interest was centred on the capital city, Melbourne as the Liberal/ National party fought a brave rearguard action to try and preserve their Parliamentary perks.  Note: in Australia, Liberal party means Conservative and National party means yokels.
But, as is often the case, the ungrateful Victorians, disregarded the wants and needs of the deserving millionaires who wanted to stay in power and cruelly judged them on their political competence and score out-of-ten in not fucking things up. Oh fickle public! Voting out a conservative government that, very surprisingly, had a cunning plan to revitalise the whole state with a new motorway across Melbourne.
Now the poor Lib/ Nats, who are barely speaking to each other what with each suspecting the other of "a knife in the back", are dependent on a few very leafy suburbs in Melbourne and large areas of not much in the bush for their livelihoods.
"But" you will be saying 'This, while educational, is hardly the searing political insights that we are used to from Riddled, what else can you show me" in a curious echo of Bob Dylan's classic "It's All Right Ma".
The real interest in the election came from the Rise Up Australia Party, a Christian fundamentalist bunch of loonies party whose guiding principals seem to be pinched from the more lurid pages of the islamophobic internet.
Their leader Daniel Nalliah maintains that he has a special link with God that the big G has explained to him that various natural disasters have been visited upon Australia for various slights that Australians have given to him on high.
Mr. Nalliah appears to several beehives of bees loose in his bonnet but his most amazing claim, to this admittedly provincial reporter, is to have been involved in three people being resurrected. Now THAT seems like a political agenda, as opposed to a pork barrel road building exercise. None of the resurrectees are quoted about how happy they are to be back breathing.
Mr Nalliah has the usual rant and rave using the words, Islam, Nazism and Communism in various combinations  in semi-readable sentences but does not mention the reanimating aspect which I am sure would get a lot of the young people along to his meetings.
Sadly, Victorians have not taken to Mr Nalliah and after running for the Family First party and being kicked out because he was too racist,  he started the Rise Up Australia (Brought to you by Viagra) Party. Over the weekend they received only 0.7% of the vote but in his seat Daniel is caught up in a thrilling race for second in the  South Eastern Metropolitan Region seat where he only need an extra 20,000 votes to be in the State Parliament. Tried prayin' Dan? Just askin'. Dan is telling his followers that the "media" says that the Greens will win, but god or something blah blah blah.
If it was me I would be hot footing it to Hollywood to talk to zombie film people because it's all about money and who works more cheaply than the newly resurrected?


Smut Clyde said...

I am sure I am not the only one reading this and wondering about the voting eligibility status of the zombies.
It's really about electoral integrity!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Seems yer hiding the big news, A.K.

Another kiwi said...

Voting is compulsory in Australia and I don't see that the undead should be excused. It's just as much their fault.
There is a joke to be made about the Sex party and the state of Australian politics but I am too mature to make it.

rhwombat said...

Smut & Ak - Fit the First:

Wonder no more - It's zombies all the way down with the Rupertariat. Being subject to the Trans-Tasman prion outbreak, I'm going to take this little glimmer of cross-ditch attention with a screaming tantrum of spleen venting. Feel free to pass quickly by and shield the ears of impressionable seppo's.

Murdorc's Newscorpse (fear) + Oz opportunism (greed) + craven lackeydom (bone deep patriarchal prejudice imported from the flogging Torydom of anti-enlightenment ) + compulsory voting = Toady Rabbott's temporary rabble - at least until 2016.

Toady (think Bush Jr. - without W.'s gleaming intelligence & charisma) is controlled (ie told what Rupert wants) by Peta Credlin, his CoS (think of a female Cheney, without the warm, cuddly humanity). Toady's polls are in free fall, and the only reason he's still there is that he won't say no to Rupert, and there is no alternative condom for the Scum King's withered organ.

The prime potential replacement for when Toady's too torn to prophylax is Julie Bishop, the only woman in Cabinet (and therefore only a temporary blow-up doll for the unreconstructed misogynists of the Lackey Newscorpse Party), a rapidly ageing air-head who was best known as a corporate lawyer for the Blue Sky Mining Co (AKA the Asbestos Mafia) - and who will get the job through the Scum King's gritted teeth, 'cause all the others are either unelectable or show signs of not complying with Rupert's merest whims. Bishop reads scripts quite well.

The other potential contenders are Morrison and Tunbull.

Rear Vice Witchfinder General Scott Morriscum, current minster for Immigration, Border Protection and Einsatzgruppen Operations, who is a Talibangelical and thus worries the Rupertarian Right 'cause they might scare the sacrificial goat they are buggering (ie us). He who will need to spend at least year in Finance to try to wash the stench of his Concentration camps off, and we Oz reptiles hate having to acknowledge our overt xenophobia anywhere we think someone from outside the village might see. What will the Kiwis think?

Malcolm Turnbull, once had a progressive thought before he became too independently wealthy to be beholden to the Scum King, and was rolled by Nick Minchin (whom Dick Cheney used to scare his impressionable daughters) to get Toady into the job anyway - so he's right out until the counting for the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch reaches more than 3.

rhwombat said...

Smut & Ak - Fit the Second:

After these three products of Spike Milligan's most inspired depression, there is a cast of reject Python characters that would give Graham Chapman nightmares, including Joe Hockey, Matthias Cormann, Eric Abetz, Peter Dutton, Christopher Pyne and Greg Hunt.

Sloppy Joe Hockey is the lap-banded ex-rugger bugger and product of the misogynist wing of Catholic education (like Toady, Cormann & Pyne), who's masterpiece of economic literacy as Treasurer is to produce a budget so appalling that even the corporate vultures who wrote it for him have walked away. He's a dead man who rarely walks.

Cormann is a Belgian-born Schwartzenegger clone, usually referred to as the Cormannator. He is currently the Finance Minister. He has one red unblinking eye and was caught on camera laughing and smoking a large cigar with Sloppy Joe after delivering the Wannsee protocol on Budget night. Unless Rupert appoints the reanimated corpse of Leopold 11 to the Prime Mustelidship first, the Cormannator is too much of a cartoon villain even for Oz bogans.

Eric Abetz is the other native German speaker in Cabinet - and really is an ObersturmbannfĂĽhrer's great nephew. He is in charge of lowering wages, and enjoys it rather too much. He represents Unzud's West Island (AKA Tasmania). Probable source of Devil Facial Tumor Disease. Unelectable, outside the Senate paddling pool.

Dutton is an ex-Queensland drug cop, and current Minister for Health, who is a figment of his own limited imagination. He may already be dead, but no-one has noticed - or cares.

Education Minister Christopher "Loathsome" Pyne is considered an insult to mincing poodles everywhere, and so widely hated by his own side for prosecuting blithering idiocy with undue enthusiasm that he won't retain the confidence of the crusty conservative stronghold of Sturt in Adelaide. The seat of Sturt was bequeathed to him by his predecessor, Lord Downer of Baghdad, a Tory scion and Oil Barron Bagman of such blithering incompetancy that he was stood down from the Leadership of the Lackey Newscorpse Party as a too obvious parody of the Upper Class Git of the Year skit, and sent to represent the UN in Cyprus, 'cause the Poms wouldn't let him back into the Mother Country). Pyne makes Downer look good.

Gre gHunt is Minister for Environment and Planetary Degradation. He actually believes in Crap like Global Warming, but has agreed that the only way to help it is to shovel more of our money to the Earth Rapers in exchange for their promise to ring him some time in the future when they need more money. His hobbies include torturing coral polyps and pandering to bloated coal barons. Unelectable unless rodents gain (more) suffrage.

Two more years!

Smut Clyde said...

Very expressively put, rhwombat (if that is your real name). If you're not careful, AK will make you a cob-logger.
Our NZ fishwrap papers have never been worth enough for Mordoch to buy them out, so they remain outside of the Evil Empire, though I can't say it makes much difference.

rhwombat said...

Thanks Smut.

rhwombat has to be my real name, coz I drudge in the public hospital system in King Coal's sphincter, NSW, and have absolute confidence in the benign oversight and understanding of my political masters and the metadatameister & AG Mr Toad (Poop! Poop!) Brandis QC and Bar. Also I have wives & cute sproglets (all small marsupials are, by definition, cute - except puggles, which start off cute and grow spines) to support.

Could we borrow your Key (or, better still, his daughter http://tvnz.co.nz/national-news/john-key-backs-daughter-over-nude-snaps-5543883 ) for a couple of years?

Another Kiwi said...

Brilliant rhwombat! Captures the dull soul erosion of Australian Conservatism perfectly. By his own account Mr. Key operates as PM, Head of National Party and a father and these are randomly available to NZ so I don't see why Australia could not have at least one of the other two.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Brilliant rhwombat! Captures the dull soul erosion of Australian Conservatism perfectly. By his own account Mr. Key operates as PM, Head of National Party and a father and these are randomly available to NZ so I don't see why Australia could not have at least one of the other two.

Think how much worse things could be if Australia didn't export its loons like Ken Ham and Rupert Murdoch.

rhwombat said...

B4: Thanks - now we have weltschmerz AND guilt.

Oz has vast reserves of high grade loon, often quite close to the surface or easily extracted from shallow layers of bullshit around Clive Palmer. As a consequence we export highly refined, weapons-grade venal twittery to many countries (even those with significant strategic reserves of idiocy like the US - Ha! Suck it Losers!) albeit only for peaceful purposes, such as subverting the political systems and will to live of small nations and Iraq. One of the problems of having a small population scattered over a wide brown land is the the standard deviations are far less standard and much more deviant. Anyway Rupert is only a Yank for tax purposes (and because Liz Windsor won't give him a knight - unlike that cooperative Pope chappie). Still - he's yours now. Thanks.

PS AK: capturing the dull soil erosion of Australian Conservatism would be the province of our National Party. They are a loose collection of Squatters, Bunyip aristocrats, Agrarian Socialists and bone-dry xenophobes, lead by a man called Warren Truss (really) who can has been accurately described as the least exciting man on the planet. The NP tend to be somewhat inbred (particularly in Tasmania where they can count up to half a dozen genetic removes on the fingers of one hand).