Monday, September 14, 2015

The Case of the League of Red-Bearded Dwarfs

In today's court news, the Red-Bearded Dwarfs case (Justice Cricklecarrot presiding) took a curious turn when Mr. Tinklebury Snapdriver, for the prosecution, prevailed upon one of the dwarfs to provide nearly five consecutive minutes of coherent testimony.

Snapdriver: Tell the court your name.
RBD: Jabez Wilson.
Snapdriver: Are you acquainted with the defendant Mrs Tasker?
RBD: "Tasker" cannot be her real name. She identified herself to me as Mr. Duncan Ross, of the League of Red-Bearded Dwarfs, when she inducted me into that worthy organisation.
Snapdriver: The court is not familiar with this League.
Mr. Justice Cocklecarrot:  I am not entirely optimistic that this will be a productive line of inquiry.
RBD: In accordance with the legacy of Ezekiah Hopkins, an eccentric American millionaire, I was to receive a generous weekly stipend, for as long as I remained available for light clerical duties. This on account of Hopkins' sympathy for beards of a scarlet coloration. Or so Duncan Ross informed me when I applied to fill an advertised vacancy in the League.
Snapdriver: What are these duties? Do they consist of being pushed by Mrs Tasker into the hallway of a Mrs Renton, whose doorbell Mrs Tasker continually rings, along with eleven other equally-rufous and bewhiskered small gentlemen?
Mr. Bastin Hermitage (for the defense): Objection!
Cocklecarrot: Objectionability, in this case, goes without saying. Sustained.
Snapdriver: I apply for a writ of tu quoque.
Hermitage: And I for a writ of sine mensis.
Snapdriver: Do these duties have any corollaries?
RBD: They have the minor disadvantage of taking me away for several hours a day from my office in Saxe-Coburg Square -- a manufactory of artificial knee-caps -- but my assistant fills in for me.
Snapdriver: Can you identify the plaintiff, Mrs Renton?
RBD: There must be some mistake. That is Vincent Spaulding, my assistant.
[Sensation in the court]
Cocklecarrot: Silence, or I shall adjourn the trial.
A newcomer: I am Inspector Jones of Scotland Yard, and I am placing Mrs Tasker and Mrs Renton both under arrest for their role in the attempted robbery of City and Suburban Bank.


Yastreblyansky said...

These are really lovely.

rhwombat said...

Thanks SC. Your fossicking in the Blog mines throws up another jewel - and this one is local. Makes a change from the local sport of Rabbott hunting and Red Wedding reenactments. Are you sure you are not vertically challenged with a not-green beard?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I am glad you two can assure me of the humor in this post.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Maybe this one, too?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Oddly, one of the column's greatest opponents was the Express newspaper's owner, Lord Beaverbrook, who had to keep being assured the column was indeed funny.

Lest people think I was mean.

Smut Clyde said...