Snapdriver: Tell the court your name.
RBD: Jabez Wilson.
Snapdriver: Are you acquainted with the defendant Mrs Tasker?
RBD: "Tasker" cannot be her real name. She identified herself to me as Mr. Duncan Ross, of the League of Red-Bearded Dwarfs, when she inducted me into that worthy organisation.
Snapdriver: The court is not familiar with this League.
Mr. Justice Cocklecarrot: I am not entirely optimistic that this will be a productive line of inquiry.
RBD: In accordance with the legacy of Ezekiah Hopkins, an eccentric American millionaire, I was to receive a generous weekly stipend, for as long as I remained available for light clerical duties. This on account of Hopkins' sympathy for beards of a scarlet coloration. Or so Duncan Ross informed me when I applied to fill an advertised vacancy in the League.
Snapdriver: What are these duties? Do they consist of being pushed by Mrs Tasker into the hallway of a Mrs Renton, whose doorbell Mrs Tasker continually rings, along with eleven other equally-rufous and bewhiskered small gentlemen?
Mr. Bastin Hermitage (for the defense): Objection!
Cocklecarrot: Objectionability, in this case, goes without saying. Sustained.
Snapdriver: I apply for a writ of tu quoque.
Hermitage: And I for a writ of sine mensis.
Snapdriver: Do these duties have any corollaries?
RBD: They have the minor disadvantage of taking me away for several hours a day from my office in Saxe-Coburg Square -- a manufactory of artificial knee-caps -- but my assistant fills in for me.
Snapdriver: Can you identify the plaintiff, Mrs Renton?
RBD: There must be some mistake. That is Vincent Spaulding, my assistant.
[Sensation in the court]
Cocklecarrot: Silence, or I shall adjourn the trial.A newcomer: I am Inspector Jones of Scotland Yard, and I am placing Mrs Tasker and Mrs Renton both under arrest for their role in the attempted robbery of City and Suburban Bank.
6 comments:
These are really lovely.
Thanks SC. Your fossicking in the Blog mines throws up another jewel - and this one is local. Makes a change from the local sport of Rabbott hunting and Red Wedding reenactments. Are you sure you are not vertically challenged with a not-green beard?
I am glad you two can assure me of the humor in this post.
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Maybe this one, too?
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Oddly, one of the column's greatest opponents was the Express newspaper's owner, Lord Beaverbrook, who had to keep being assured the column was indeed funny.
Lest people think I was mean.
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ITTDGY was MEAN.
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