Saturday, June 18, 2016

Engine Housing may become overheated.

"Oh" people might say "where is that Another Kiwi, with his wild stories of cheese theft?"
You may have read a comment by me on this very blog about not caring what happens to NZ now, "meant it, stand by it" (Scott Heron 1983). But, when the ape-like mutations who inherit this smoking crater of mine tailings are searching through the rubble maybe they will wonder "How did we get here, this is not my beautiful car" and then "Phwoar he's gotta big wanger, we should make him our leader." Then they will need more white middle class male rambling, there is always room for more.
We have had some major revelations in New Zild political circles. The first, and some might say, most alarming is that there are poor people in this sceptred isle. That's right! Actual poor folks, doing actual poverty and not living in leafy suburbs. This appears to have caught the politicals off guard and some sand has crept into the well-oiled spin gears.
Among reports of people living in cars and having a generally miserable time in Auckland, the Minister of Social Development  dispatched a "flying squad" of crack (with an 'r') bureaucrats to go around the cars offering help to people in cars. This was in conjunction with the Salvation army who do this week in, week out.
Except, of course, it didn't happen. The Sallies said that no one had come around with them and they don't go an knock on car windows, anyway.
The Prime Minister had, in an event that can only be described as a sad and feeble attempt at arse covering tragic misunderstanding, proclaimed loudly about how the people in the 8 cars knocked-up, as they say in the Social Work game, told the brave flying squad people they didn't want help. Imagine his disappointment when it turned out to be an imaginary load of monkey poo. Still, eh, Kiwis would like to have a beer with him, you betcha.
All of this occurred against the backdrop of a crisis, "What crisis?" in housing. People who may or may not be white, middle class New Zilders, are finding it difficult, if not actually hard, to find that Mi Casa we were all brought up to believe was your actual Nirvana. Without the drugs and shotgun suicide, although, maybe not.  This has occasioned some smart thinking from the aforementioned Minister of Soc. Del. who said "Give the poors $5K each to get out of Auckland".
This cheerful bribery to make Auckland housing numbers look better has only been over-shadowed by the frozen grin of terror on the face of the Minister for Finances as he heard the news for the first time and visions of empty biscuit tins in the tea-room fluttered across his mind. Apparently the MSD said that it was money just lying around and wasn't going to come out of her budget so stop hassling her, man.
The third prong in the multi-pronged attack on the NOT AN ACTUAL crisis has been the housing Minister Nick Smith who is an amiable prong of a chap, the sort that gets paraded around at family Christmas reunions as a warning about the dangers of too many concussions in rugby matches. Smith has taken to driving around the countryside  having press conferences in random fields which he claims the Government owns and has "lined up for housing". Predictably, he has gone to the wrong paddock on two occasions and the "lined up for housing" has turned out to be Kevin from Accounts saying that he thought that his grandparents lived near here.
I am beginning to have doubts about the competence of this government and wonder if it shrank itself down to a small enough size for a drowning 1) could it find the bathroom and 2)would it remember to put the plug in?  Possibly it would be living in a car telling MSD people to fuck off.
"But" you are saying "surely the tumbrels are rolling and the scaffolds are being constructed of properly tested materials to throw down these incompetent charlatans?" That would be where you are wrong as most Kiwis think that a charlatan is a type of French dessert in a funny shaped glass which their aunt used to like. On the contrary the PM is more popular than alcoholic chocolate drinks and the newspapers, talkback radio and comments sections of lesser quality blogs than this one are full of people castigating the poor because reasons that everyone knows.
And so it continues...


Smut Clyde said...

HA! AK missed out the part where an Auckland marae opened its doors to homeless families. The Housing Minister's response was to grudgingly thank the marae for its assistance, while leaking information to damage the marae leader's reputation.

AK has also forgotten that the gubblement cannot spare moneys for affordable housing when there is the higher priority of upgrading Highway 2, so that those Aucklanders who do have houses can drive to their holiday homes in the Coromandel without inconvenience from delays and congestion.

Also this post on a matter of importance is obviously intended as an attack on those of us who post about weird shit & trivia, so it behooves me to strike back by leaking information and damaging his reputation.

Another Kiwi said...

Sir, you will find I have no reputation save that of forgetting things. "Oh yes" people say "that AK, you send him down to the bakery and he comes back with a bag of broken glass". Which is in the second part of this sizzlin' story of societal something which I was going to write but it got cold and Mrs. Cat was moping about something. Mope,mope she was going. What could I do? She did not want to watch "Blues Clues" no more.

ckc (not kc) said...

...I had my cat castigated - calmed him right down

Smut Clyde said...

We are all adults here, ckc, you can call a spayed a spayed.

rhwombat said...

AK: Are there no Caravans, Sir? This is what you get for introducing Neo-Liberal rabbits into a land with no natural predators. I suggest you radicalise and arm those Keas who hang around ski resorts, biting the heads off wetas.