What keeps bringing me back to the GcMAF market is the high calibre of individuals one thereby encounters (#104)

Woof Woof!

What's that, Widdlebum? There's been an accident with the Canterel 8-Tesla Tooth Magnet?

Woof Woof!

Another Kiwi and Swearing Bob are testing the Advanced Alcohol Imbibement prototype in breach of the Health-&-Safety protocols?

Woof Woof Woof!

Ah, Widdlebum, you are correct about the Vieland brain-stimulating nostril-torch; it is clearly a rip-off of a recent Riddled invention. I shall pass your woofage on to our legal counsel, Messrs Trahison & Clerisy (solicitors and commissioners for oaths), so that they can advise us of our legal redress.

Though I cannot deny that the Vielight is a classy appliance, targetted to stimulate the immune response as well as illuminate the lobes. It's a backbrain stimulator, it's a cerebral vibrator, OOOPS sorry about the Hawkwind lyrics, they are bleeding though from the Riddled Prog Rock Podcast. The accompanying blurb appears to have been penned by someone whose first language was Computer Network Geek rather than English --

It directs pulsed near infrared light (NIR) to the hubs of the default mode network (DMN) of the brain using optimally engineered light emitting diodes (LED).
Research on DMN abnormalities and related neuro-pathologies are highly advanced, providing useful data for us to further develop the Neuro. It also allows us to address the whole brain by targeting at a few hubs.

-- but the message comes through that if you succumb to virus or bacterium it was for lack of a nasal / trans-cranial spotlight.

So we took ourselves straight to the supplier's on-line shop, expecting to find more of our intellectual property shamelessly plundered, including the inventions we haven't even invented yet. And what a cornucopied revelation of WTF it was at
1. www.TotalHealingInstitute.com!
Behold, to begin, the magnificence of the DENAS-Vertebra-2 Back-Massaging Neuro-reprogrammer: it may look like a prog-rock hipster keyboard fucked a turbot, but it has 4 automatic therapeutic programs and additional 1 NEW INNOVATIVE PROGRAM - individual prevention and treatment of acute and chronic spinal diseases:

This is a significant increase in the effectiveness of treatment and medical vozmozhnosteyapparata expansion by increasing the number of programs.

I could not have put it better myself. When we get around to inventing the original, I shudder to think what its purpose will be.
Other points of interest include the TrueRife Hyperdrive Cellular Attunement Oscillator, Qx2 Double Bubble with Amplification Shroud, dilithium-crystal warranty void at speeds in excess of Warp Factor 8,

NEW F-117 Hyperdrive frequency generator and Amplifier. This is the engine that drives all other devices. With a built in Micro-processor it is the only Plasma based frequency instrument with scanning capabilities when connected to the GRS Scanner.

...and the Synergy Cold Corona Ozone Machine. And we saw St. Elmo's Fire, spitting ions in the ether FECK there go the lyrics bleeding through into reality again. But they provide an excuse to link to Brian Eno, so no harm done.


The LiveO₂ personal oxygen tents do not claim to concentrate Orgone Energy as well; the manufacturer dropped the ball there.

It came as no surprise to find that the ad copy for Organic Pure Sulfur (which sounds less industrial than "Methyl sulphonyl methane") is focussed on CHEMTRAILS, and the UN's DEPOPULATION AGENDA 21, which only a sulphur-centred diet can save you from. For a sense of "Health Freedom!!' and "Logic and Consistency aren't the boss of me!!" pervades the whole site in the manner of colloidal-silver joss-sticks. Much of the copy-pasted rhetoric appears to be Yang Worship Words, added to foster a sense that the store's proprietors share an affinity with prospective customers and can therefore be trusted with their money, rather than to convey information. It is as if the consumer niche targeted here is a clientele of survivalist preppers, gold buyers, Trump voters and Sovereign Citizens, looking for fellow conspiracists to buy stuff from.

The store's Terms of Use continue in this vein. Do go and read them, they comprise an exercise in censorious asshattery a remarkable document -- built on the premise that the TotalHealingInstitute is a "Private Members Association", and that consumers become Association Members when they buy, exercising their Constitutional Right to Freely Associate. If it were a flag it would have gold fringes. Because

We believe that the Constitution of the United States is one of the wisest documents ever written by man, and that the signers of the Declaration of Independence did so out of love for freedom and for all people to live in a society where life, invention and creativity could flourish free of Governmental oppression.

-- This is best declaimed while dressed in the buskins of Greek Tragedy, and the next Riddled Amateur Dramatic Society production will consist of a recitation of this Membership Contract Memorandum of Understanding, in a range of histrionic voices, rendered more resonant by giant sea-shells built into the walls. Dora @HIVforum had fun with it.

The purchaser having Freely Associated, and formally acquiesced to the Contract by the act of reading it, he or she relinquishes all rights, promises to bring no Admiralty-Court lawsuits in the case of dissatisfaction or injury but submits to the adjudication of the Association. Children and grandchildren are bound by its terms unto the ninth generation. In the cause of FREEDOM. One Michael Carroll, Founder, enjoys the special confidence of the Trustees, who are mentioned in the Memorandum and therefore undoubtedly exist:

The Trustees and members have chosen Michael Carroll as the person best qualified to perform services to members of the Association and entrust him to select other members to assist him in carrying out that service.

Plating a Boiler

But despite its magisterial tone, the legal status of this foundational document is undermined by its equivocation about the name of the Association, which changes halfway through to "The Truth About Cancer Store Private Association Membership", and then to "Synergistic Nutrition Private Association". It is almost as if similar faux-legal screeds are common around the scammosphere, favoured by grifters and con-men hoping for legal immunity, and Michael Carroll boiler-plated a few bits together but lacked the attention to detail required for nominal consistency.

Woof woof yap!

It is funny you should mention that, Widdlebum. No, the panaceal wonder-drug GcMAF is not among the potions and nostra sold at TotalHealthInitiative, for that product lost its efficacy and was replaced by Reinwald Rerum, which Michael does import. And from the same people, Bravo Magic Yoghurt, rich in GcMAF-producing bacteria... This brought him within the ambit of the Riddled Mission Statement, and under its aegis, and perhaps even into its aembis. In fact, anticipating growth in this market, he opened a fifth Webstore devoted to the sale of fermented dairy products and $560 ampoules of immune-boosting Unobtainium (h/t Dora):

5. www.bravo-probiotic-yogurt.com

Yap yap woof!

Patience, Widdlebum. I was coming to the other three:
2. www.thetruthaboutcancerstore.com
3. www.oxygenhealthsystems.com

4. www.zenhealthstore.com

All with the same Membership Contract legalastic bafflegab, and a overlapping product ranges of Alt-Med tchotchkes. The main advance with #5 is the focussed range of worthless swill, and the address, which is no longer Michael's home abode... the sales team are evidently crowded into a PO box at a USPS office, and possibly they are recruited from the species of aliens who inhabit Locker C18 in MiB.

The overarching narrative of "Oxygen-for-Health" alternates with a counterpoint of "Oxygen is poison". Anti-oxidants of all forms and flavours abound, most of them with liposomes, for "liposomal" has become another Worship Word in alt-health circles. There is Marine Phytoplankton if your tastes run to Soylent Green. If coal eating is more your thing, there is RESTORE Pre-biotic Mineral Supplement from Biomic Sciences ("leading US-based developer of soil-derived supplements"), elsewhere glossed as "lignite extract",* formulated to remediate the havoc wrought on your intestinal lining by reckless consumption of Glyphosate and Gluten and GMOs and Garibaldi biscuits and Giraffopedes.

There is no connection between #2, or Michael's alternative domain www.TTACStore.com, and the longer established and more profitable site TheTruthAboutCancer.com -- which already has its own shop, as well as videos, conspiracy theories, and fraudulent promises of cures. The possibility that suckers might confuse the names is regrettable.

Anyway, you'll be glad to know that Michael Carroll is not resting on his laurels. His speed at staking out domains of potential on-line shops out-strips his ability to boilerplate new Association Membership Contracts and customise their internal nomenclature. Thus we are teased by a list of Yoghurt-shop variants, and disease-themed websites of the form "TheTruthAboutX.com". Not yet instantiated, these exist only as domains and place-holders, and we are currently deprived of his insights and privileged access to medical secrets... although I will go out on a limb and speculate that TheTruthAbout Celiac, Fibromyalgia, Lupus, Lymphoma and Psoriasis will prove to be that they can all be cured by sufficiently large doses of Bravo Yoghurt and magical polymerised sugars.

A second list of domains is equally tantalising:

Of them, www.painreliefusa.com, www.healnaturallynow.com and www.o2healthsystems.com redirect to #3. And although the Liposomal Store enjoys its own independent existence in Google Maps, liposomalstore.com redirects to #4. Practitioners of Zazen -- concerned to see their philosophy co-opted, traduced and pimped out as another consumerist confection, bedecked with stylings of Simplicity and Spontaneity -- will be relieved to learn that healinginzen.com also redirects to #3.

Activated water: Always ends badly

Most of all, however, I would like to learn more about hydratedwater.com and superhydratedwater.com... it appears that ordinary water is simply not adequate to human needs and must be processed, fulfilling the age-old Alchemical dream of water that contains more water. One can only speculate how the species survived until now, forced to drink water that had not been Alkalised, Oxygenated, Hydrogenated, Ionised, Deionised and Activated with Bond-Angle Realignment through Molecular Resonance, I am not making this crap up.

Here at Stately Riddled Manor we would pay well for technology to Deonionise water, as plants of the genus Allium seem to be growing in the plumbing somewhere, and we have a real problem with scallions and ramps emerging from the taps. To say nothing of the leeks in the pipes.

With all Mr Carroll's TruthAbout expertise, and the devices and treatments he retails, I struggle to understand why he needed the charity of strangers for his Holistic Cancer Medical Fund:

My name is Michael. Five years ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 Lympoma Cancer. For the 3 year prior to my diagnosis I had worked as a contractor support NATO and the US military in Afghanistan. During that period of time I had encourtnered very harsh conditions living and working on a Nato...

The GoFundMe appeals have been shut down, having raised a total of $0.00 towards the target of $300,000.00, after three months. I am just surprised that Michael found time for his patriotic heroism in Mesopotamia, what with all his website activities (not to forget his day job with a realtor firm).

It has not gone unnoticed that the MRET Water Activator bears more than a passing resemblance to another Riddled invention, the Plektodotroscope. Rest assured that the matter now rests in the hands of Messrs. Trahison & Clerisy. To be fair, the Plektodotroscope cannot be used as a $510 Kush breast-cushion.

----------------------------

* Full marks to the marketing dudes at Biomic who realised that suckers will pay well for a mixture of dirt and coal ash if it is billed as Organic and Natural.

UDDATE: I forgot the Free Shipping, $19.75.

Also the Carnivora, flytrap-extract cancer scam. Michael was hocking the stuff as Pure Spanish Fly (product now discontinued, sorry) --

Carnivora is also known as SPANISH FLY and is an aphrodisiac NATURAL libido enhancer promoting sexual health.

Congratulations, sir, you have made yourself into more of a low-life scuzzball than even Vi4gr@ spammers.