The bald spot is Nature's way of allowing more near-IR photons to penetrate my scalp and enhance mitochondrial function in neurons in my parietal lobes

Combine-Harvester Racing

Remember Michael Carroll? Of course you do. Here at the Riddled Research Laboratory and Combine-Harvester Racing Club, we are forever grateful for his many contributions to medical knowledge hilarity... the many mock-medical cargo-cult potions and tchotchkes he sold through five separate websites* (because just one scam is never enough)... so many contributions that it would be invidious to single out just one. Fortunately "Invidious" is my hiphop-DJ name and I have no qualms about singling out the Vielight 'Neuro' Cognition-Enhancing, Neuron-Regenerating Photonic Diadem:

The Neuro is the worlds first transcranial-intranasal combination light therapy helmet system. It is based on the science of photobiomodulation, the utilization of photonic energy to stimulate cellular function in neurons. It directs pulsed near infrared light (NIR) to the hubs of the default mode network [ video ] (DMN) of the brain using optimally engineered light emitting diodes (LED).

The Neuro Alpha and Neuro Gamma incorporate newer and improved transcranial LED diodes. The only difference between the two models is the pulse rate – The Neuro Alpha pulses at 10 Hz but the Neuro Gamma pulses at 40 Hz. The Gammas pulse rate is utilized for our Alzheimers Disease clinical trials and the Neuro Alphas pulse rate is ideal for general brain health, based on brainwave oscillations

Nostril Torch available separately:

Looks like I picked the wrong week to
quit illuminating my brain with a
fibre-optic torch up one nostril!

Throw in a pair of Valkee "Torch-in-the-Ear" earplug spotlights for temporal-lobe illumination, shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

Given the scale and range of Michael Carroll's commercial activities, it was inevitable that his various pairings of 'worthless snake-oil' and 'panaceal curative promises' would attract the attention of the FDA, whose lawyers have no problem with the phrases "Fraudulent Cancer Products" and "Illegally Sold Cancer Treatments". They reviewed three of his websites and found much to complain about... notably, the Reinwald / Ruggiero product Rerum (regularly featured at Riddled). They may or may not have been subsequently reminded of the two further websites comprising Carroll's operations.

We can only hope that the FDA are not limited to an annual quota of Cease-&-Desist orders to spread around the target-rich environment of the American Scammosphere.

In other news, we learn via Neuroskeptic that there is a whole literature on improving cerebral function by way of TILS (trans-cranial infrared laser stimulation), which is to say, LASER BEAMS TO THE FREAKIN' FOREHEAD; we squee with delight, and hasten to inform the Mad Scientist Anti-Defamation League!

[Explaining Voice] The rationale is that the cytochrome-C oxidase molecules within mitochrondrial membranes are the central engines of cellular respiration, juggling electrons for protons across the membrane, creating a proton gradient (this is the gradient, that drives the mills, that coin the standard currency of the cellular energy economy, in the form of ATP molecules). And they contain a couple of heme groups, so they absorb red / infrared photons. Therefore they pump protons more efficiently after light absorption. [/Explaining Voice]

So Evolution had the opportunity to use this photopigment property of cC-OX to evolve eyes that see in infrared. Where is my Infrared Vision?! We strapped Swearing Bob in the Riddled Evolvamat with a laser-beam irradiating his forehead, in the hope of opening a Third IR Eye by stimulating the full cC-OX potential, but the results were not optimal.

Also disappointing and sub-optimal: Failure of Evolution, after 3 billion years of multicellular evolution, to re-jig a form of cytochrome-C oxidase that works equally well within our less-illuminated interiors. Evolution, we are very disappointed in you. This is why we had to invent the transparent skull.


See those monkeys' increased cognitive performance!

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* Carroll now has a sixth scamshop, "The Real Truth Behind Cancer". The resemblance of its title to Ty Bollinger's longer-established "The Truth About Cancer" scammocopoeia is no doubt accidental, as is the implication that Bollinger is engaged in some kind of unreal, fake grift.

** There is (or was) a theory that cytochrome-C -- a smaller molecule, upstream from cC-OX in the Redox cascade, highly-conserved, also built around a couple of heme groups*** so also red-light-absorbing -- originally had an role in bacterial photosynthesis, before Evolution coopted it for respiration. Just offering this as a better rationale for TILS.

I know this stuff because of 1970s pop-science magazines, because OLD.

***A heme group is a transition-element ion, coordinated within a plate of biological graphene porphyrin ring, which is a good way of stashing away a spare electron until you need it, but it has other nice molecular properties besides. Which is probably why there are so many cytochrome heme-proteins involved in cell biochem. Also, Evolution is lazy and has a bad work ethic. Go home, Evolution, come back when you've sorted out your attitude problem.

Heme groups: Not just for making black pudding taste good.