Adrift just off the Islets of Langerhans: Latitude 38° 54' N, Longitude 77° 00' 13" W -- Plz send beer and Raquel Welch

This is the best way EVAH to finish a scientific preprint:

We are designing a circuit for communication with DNA and we hypothesize that cancer can be cured via this method.

The author of "A Mathematical Model for DNA" rests his hope of chromosomal colloquy on an analogy between DNA molecules and electrical circuitry, with base pairs variously filling the roles of capacitors, resistors and diodes, while the telomere ribose chains are the ULF aerials. Although the bases are also one-dimensional point-like hexagonal manifolds arrayed along a one-dimensional manifold. Meanwhile delta functions and integral signs are force-marched across the page like a diaspora of stooped weeping refugees.

This is of interest to the Riddled Research Laboratory and Musuem of Hay-baling Technology, for it comes perilously close to rediscovering the proprietory methods which power the Riddled Evolvamat.

Contra Sepehri, we do not recommend entering into radio communication with one's DNA. It is OK for the 4th Doctor to enter his own brain as a miniaturised clone and talk to his own genes, for he knows what he's doing, and he had a barbarian warrior babe for company. You cannot imagine the unrelieved dullness of the intracellular conversation. It is all vapid gossip about which chromosomes were first to line up between the mitotic poles at the last metaphase, and who made most replication errors during S-phase, and the high-point of the last episode of "Ow My Balls".

Below: Raquel Welch and fellow nano-nauts
ignore conversational gambits from chromosomes

Pioneers in this field of DNA dialog were Blank & Goodman [2011], who characterised DNA as an electrically-conductive broadband fractal antenna, much as John Cleese characterised named his parrot "Holy Roman Empire" because it was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire. While Montagnier et al. [2009] reported that their cargo-cult bricolage of bamboo sticks and old tin boxes* could detect a ULF radio signature from bacterial and viral DNA (with ~300 km wavelengths)... even detecting it from water diluted so that no bacteria or viruses remained, proving that water nano-assemblies had learned to imitate the pathogens, therefore homeopathy. This was too much like an episode of 'Fringe' even by the standards of the Mad Scientist Anti-Defamation League. Anyway, Sepehri cites both these seminal studies... he omits Aterini & Ruggiero's [2011] commentary on Blank & Goodman but we cannot condemn him harshly for that.

The crux or gist of "A Mathematical Model for DNA" -- the crist of it, even -- is that cancer occurs when a base acquires or loses an atom from its central molecular-model hexagon, so the now-heptagonal or pentagonal nature of its one-dimensional manifold alters the frequency of that chromosome's transmissions, thereby propagating the defect to the corresponding chromosome in neighbouring cells. I do not think that this is how cancer works and we can only conclude Sepehri's chromosomes have lied to him in the course of their conversations. However, it does provide an excuse to break out the Alchemical Wedding imagery (yay!)... for Sepehri concludes that if a male and female both suffer from cancer, they can prevent the progress of the disease by staying in close proximity -- because the EM signatures of their respective XY and XX sex-chromosome pairs will cancel out and rectify each other's errant frequencies (radiating as they do with opposite signs). I am not making this up.

FIG. 27: To remove extra signals of a damaged DNA in males, we can use of damaged DNA in females

Finally, if we put a damaged DNA molecule of a male or a female near a damaged DNA of a female or male, their radiated waves cancel the effect of each other and disease progression is stopped. This is because the types of packing of DNA are different in some chromosomes of men and women and consequently their signals have opposite signs and can cancel the effect of each other in a pair.

The descent of the Male and Female principles into the night-of-the-soul state of Nigredo or Putrefactio -- to be mutually healed and completed within hermaphroditic union -- is Serious Business and should not be tried at home. It requires a decent-sized alembic; also the Male and Female principles often struggle when they realise what is about to happen.

Also, why were we not previously appraised that Luc Montagnier had collaborated with Emilio Del Giudice on a paper of water-bending fritillary calenture hatstand?

A pair of watery reciprocating cranks

That was a true reciprocation of watery cranks. We remember Del Giudice as the inventor of Quantum Water -- the second phase of liquid water, involving room-temperature long-range coherence wibble plus the quantum-vacuum phase-angle going kattywampus. His methods were unsound absolute baldestdash [which is like balderdash, but in superlative form rather than comparative], but they did sustain a genre of aqueous magical-thinking journals.


Del Giudice never recovered his health and sanity after his attempts to reconstruct the Waterbox ("probably the most delicate and fragile instrument ever made by human hands") -- invented but poorly-documented by de Selby as a way of diluting water to a point where it could be handled safely. "There is more to water than meets the eye," wrote de Selby, by way of explaining why three heavy coal-hammers were destroyed during its construction.

Here Zerros demonstrates the proper way of communicating with the genetic memories of water.

[H/t Jef Arenzon]

* If you are in possession of such equipment please hand it into the nearest police station.