Friday, September 15, 2017

Non Angeli, sed Angli

By way of an update to the previous post, I have made the acquaintance of Bryan Emerson -- ecological-impact-minimising money manager -- and perforce I must share it with you, for he appears to have escaped from the notebooks of a crap satirical novelist. Conceivably Tom Wolfe, although I am open to correction on that point, for Riddled is all about the factual accuracy.
The power of Ira Dei
the Dragon-onna-stick
COMPELS me to share

Bryan is a seasoned entrepreneur, low carbon footprint living proponent, involved angel investor, mentor and board member for early-stage companies.
He is a Major in the Civil Air Patrol and an Extra class amateur radio licensee. He remains President of Starlight Capital, Inc. which, until sold in 2015, hosted approximately five private equity conferences each year at The Yale Club New York since 2001 (see: Bryan works a portion of the year from his off-grid, solar and wind powered log cabin.
It would be wrong to speculate about the number of human heads stored in the log cabin's freezer.

As is the way of successful venture capitalists / investment advisors, Mr Emerson also touts for contract gigs through LinkedIn and Upwork (I am unable to find Warren Buffet's Upwork entry but it is sure to be there somewhere). He is also available for wedding receptions and children's parties, although there is a dry-cleaning fee in the event of cake- or ice-cream-spillage on his costume.

Mr Emerson comes to Riddled attention as an erstwhile part-owner of the 'Equity Forum' operation, before selling his share to OMICS for whom he now works.
Starlight Capital, Inc. sold its interest in New York Private Equity Forums to a large conference organizer and publisher ( Mr. Emerson implements a marketing optimization program for it in India approximately four weeks each year. He uses Starlight Capital to identify promising angel investment, mentoring and board membership opportunities.
That is, the gombeens at OMICS did not themselves devise the ingenious rort of soliciting $$$$ from business-plan-possessing but moneyless would-be entrepreneurs, promising to provide an assignation with investors to whom they might strut their stuff and and pitch their elevators.* I am disappoint. Still, kudos to OMICS for recognising the similarity between this scheme and their core activity (i.e. beguiling similarly-desperate academics with the promise of publication through production-line scamferences and mockademic journals).

OMICS are keen to capitalise on the concept's full potential, taking their "one-of-a-kind" opportunity out of New York and onto the road, advertising tickets to fast-approaching 2017 play-date encounters in Los Angeles,
San Franciso and Las Vegas,

Orlando, Atlanta and Chicago. In comparison the original operators are left looking visionless and unambitious. Sadly, the absence of dates and venues for any of these not-at-all-vaporware Equity Fora (not to mention 'organising committees' and 'scientific programs') makes it difficult to plan one's attendance. It also fosters the unfortunate impression that OMICS' expansive ambitions have outstretched their intentions. Here at Riddled Sugar Daddies we are experts on professional appearance and we urge OMICS to attend our next workshop on "Authenticity and How to Fake It: Selling your Vision to the Suckers", only $6500. There they will learn to avoid the look that they are flinging shit at the walls to see which kind attracts most flies.

This manifestation or symptom of late-stage capitalism is not as novel as I had thought. The Great Gazoogle tells of agitation against start-up exploitation, in a long-vanished epoch of nobility and chivalrous values (e.g. here, here and over there), that is to say 2009-2010. Before the ideas of extracting unpaid work from job applicants (a chance to display their capability) and making would-be entrepreneurs compete for venture capital (for Reality-TV entertainment) became taken for granted.

The name of Mike Segal featured in that disturbance in the Force, on account of the volume and tone-deafness of his solicitory spamming. Also, shaming and blaming for the use of a Verizon e-address. To everyone's surprise, M.J.Segal Associates reappear as the other founder of PrivateEquityForums (along with Bryan Emerson) -- the description being dutifully copy-pasted as "Founding Sponsors" of the OMICS version of the brand, on account of the gravitas conferred by the names. A warning is in order: the former website is all garish and shouty, enough to make the average predatory-journal web design look like a model of understated elegance.

But that was a whole paragraph without a joke, so here's an instance of Segal's spammed Invitations to a Shakedown. His insistence that email spam is in fact targetted correspondence is another commonality between start-up meat-market grifters and predatory publishers (who never send spam either).
Although we have not had a chance to speak about this event or your company's funding requirements, kindly note that this correspondence is not part of a bulk mailing being delivered to you by a commercial e-mailing service and I have sent it to you personally on the basis of general research that our staff has undertaken on your company - based upon its industry sector and stage of operations. Of course, we do not know the expansion plans of your company or its need for capital, but are always on the lookout for companies with strong growth prospects which may resonate with our investors. 
The joke is that the recipient of this passive-aggressively insistent series of messages -- the struggling little company identified as in need of a capital injection, and open to paying Mike Segal $$$$ for a discreet consenting-adults introduction to investors -- was Sony Pictures.
* $6500 to attend as a non-presenting entrepreneur; the fee for actual lordosis presentation is too delicate to be placed on the record, so must remain a matter for speculation.

1 comment:

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Sign me up for some Creation of Deal Flow!