Friday, January 15, 2010

Guided by the Beauty of our Weapons

Why was I not previously apprised of the existence of the kea gun?To make a short story longer: Farmers in New Zealand have traditionally had a voice in government that far outweighs their contribution to the economy and their numbers in the population. Over the years they have worked hard to instill the views that (1) NZ is a largely rural country; (2) farmers care more and know more about the issues of conservation and animal welfare than those meddling liberal townies; and (3) what is convenient for farmers is good for the country.

Well into the 1980s farmers were entitled paid to kill the endangered native Kea if they believed that these mountain parrots were killing sheep. Rather than accept that sheep were dying due to over-stocking or other agricultural incompetence,* it was easier to go out and shoot a few keas. Thus the kea gun -- a single-shot pistol taking a 410ga shotgun cartridge.** These had to be imported from Spain -- where their original purpose was for dealing with rogue windmills -- but hey, at least we make our own trebuchets.

In recent news, a skull turned up on a beach way up in the Deep North, with a hole in the right temple. The local Detective Sergeant suggests that the skull's owner might have been shot with a kea gun. Disappointingly, the DS would not rule out other possibilities, for as far as he knows a 9mm bullet would damage the skull in the same way as a 410ga shotgun blast. He will not be starring in any home-grown NZ version of CSI.

At some time before its appearance on the beach,
The skull had also been through a post mortem. The top of the skull had been cut out by a pathologist to get at the brain but the top section was still with the skull when it was found.

If I were on the case I would be seeking a vengeful kea with a comical zombie sidekick.
* The truth is that the sheep were actually shot by bow-wielding unipeds and skraelings. The kea merely came along later, found a sheep with kidney fat leaking out through the arrow wound, and thought "No point letting this go to waste". IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE GOV.

** Not to be confused with the Parrot's Beak shotgun that turned up in the Department of Dead Ends.


fish said...

However, an Ikea gun proved to be not particularly practical. It had nice design and was quite inexpensive, but no one could find the hex key to assemble it during a robbery.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

comical zombies will be paying a purely social visit.

mikey said...

Hey Herr Doktor, check it out.

I HAVE one.

Well, sorta. There is a great big single shot hunting/target handgun called the T/C Contender (you can look it up). The main point of the Contender is that it is mainly a 'platform', with literally hundreds of interchangeable barrels. It is also immensely strong, allowing those barrels to be chambered for some massive rifle loadings.

I have the .35 Remington (VERY big BOOM) and .223 barrels, both in 14". But there IS a .410 barrel available, although I'm uncertain of it's purpose, as it is otherwise a large, heavy and unwieldy snake (or spider) gun...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

The Kea's notorious urge to explore and manipulate, combined with strong neophilia, makes this bird a pest for residents and an attraction for tourists. Called "the clown of the mountains", it will investigate backpacks, boots or even cars, often causing damage or flying off with smaller items.

If keas could blog, I imagine that they'd be on 3Bulls roll.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Zombies and keas working in concert- another sign of the apocalypse!

Smut Clyde said...

Zombies and keas working in concert

I did not realise that you were familiar with the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra.

Smut Clyde said...

If keas could blog, I imagine that they'd be on 3Bulls roll.

Inquiring minds have noticed the unusual amount of kakapo porn appearing there.

tigris said...

handgun called the T/C Contender

I really want "T/C" to stand for "The Contender," kind of like "The Los Angeles Angels."

mikey said...

Hell yeah. Recursive acronyms are the best acronyms. There's a real art form there.

Gnu's Not UNIX is the grandpappy of them all.

In this case, unfortunately, it's the manufacturer, Thompson/Center...

merc said...

Kea have been steadily undermining our democracy for decades with their semi-mystic charismatic leader John.
Arm the parrots, win the war. John Kea.
wf; slytbi, am not.

Smut Clyde said...

no one could find the hex key to assemble it

0xFFFF is always worth a try.