Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Don't miss the deadline
It's almost the deadline, darling
I wouldn't want it to happen to you

The people at Rerum.biz a.k.a. Immunobiotech.nz have set themselves a goal of 1 Feb to start shipping "Rerum" from their secret volcano laboratory (40 St Benedicts Street, Auckland) to anywhere in the world, at AU$820 per 3 ml. vial... which is marginally more expensive than brand-name printer ink, but Rerum is manufactured in a state-of-the art GMP-certified facility in Germany and is totally not oozing up from underground reservoirs.

Slippage has occurred from the intended shipping date of January 18 announced on a previous version of the site. But Riddled is home of the Procrastination Protocol* so we are not well-placed to criticise others who miss deadlines. 

Perhaps the delay is fortuitous. I have learned many valuable lessons from watching documentaries by Larry Cohen... about how to raise post-human babies, and about the serial-killer undead cops and the skyscraper-nesting pterodactyls that most New York guidebooks don't even mention. In particular I now know better than to consume a medicinal supplement simply known as The Stuff (or any translation thereof), in case it is an addictive zombifying semi-sentient substance intent on dissolving its consumers from the inside out and turning the human race into meatpuppets, emitting a seemingly endless flow of ectoplasmic white goo from ears and mouth.
Right: The work of a Renaissance
alchemist and mountebank
Rerum (in case you were wondering) is quite a new good thing: an extreme homeopathic version of the magic cancer-curing protein GcMAF -- familiar to regular Riddled visitors -- made even more potent by removing all trace of GcMAF altogether, now that its enthusiasts have retrospectively determined that it never worked in the first place.** And 40 St Benedicts Street will also be familiar, as NZ's primary supplier of Sexy Eggbeater Hallowe'en Costumes...

Alternative translation of 'Rerum'
Anyway, despite our remoteness from the German manufactory, the South Pacific seems at special risk of exposure to brain-dissolving parasitic goo. For over in Melbourne, Darren Fleming (alias Baron Merlona) has emerged from his rich fantasy life for long enough to add Rerum to his product range, at AU$ 950 per 3-ml vial. Soap-opera drama and fraught awkwardness will surely ensue, for Darren's "gcmafproducts.com" pop-up was originally a conduit for homeopathic-GcMAF products from Lesley Hutchings, who is very much in competition with the Rerum brand. But as we have had occasion to remark before, life of a GcMAF dealer is always intense.

But wait, there's more! To further heighten the dramatic potential, one Peter Trayhurn is under the impression that he is the approved partner with exclusive Australian rights for importing and distributing Rerum. If Antipodeans resist the allure of internally-consuming consumables it will not be for lack of opportunity.

Our Podean readers need not feel neglected or hard-done-by. A North American distributor exists, in the form of Marcel Cohen's North York Medical Center -- a Wellness / Detoxification clinic in Toronto.
Rerum® shall be shipment ready by early 2016. As well it will also be available for administration to patients as part of Health & Wellness treatment and protocols at our facilities in Toronto at our Integrative Health Center North America with boots on the ground across the USA, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Mexico.
Further information in the boilerplate Rerum Advantages blurb emphasises the non-regulation of the individual components of Rerum, and the optional nature of clinical trials, creating an impression that it is targeted more at investors than at prospective customers:
  1. Rerum® is a bona fide dietary supplement since it is composed of well-known dietary supplements that have been in use for decades.
  2. Rerum® is inherently safe since it is composed of components that have been used for decades in human medicine.
We await the next stage of Rerum dilution. But we are patient, dudes; take your time.
They tell him they have come up with a new product that they call the Taste, which is a mix of 88% ice cream and 12% the Stuff, supposedly enough to make people crave more without it taking over their minds or killing them.
* Named after the Ancient Greek brigand who was infamous for forcing his captives to sleep in his eponymous Procrastean Bed, if he ever got around to making it.

** They seem to operate at a commendably Need-to-know level of OpSec at 40 St Benedicts Street, and not everyone in the Immunobiotech office has been apprised of the news of the obsolescence of GcMAF. Thus the website continues to advertise the old product and disseminate the no-longer-operative claims about its panaceal properties. While crowd-funding appeals continue to appear, for dying people who have been advised that if they can raise $30,000 then GcMAF will cure them.

New from Immunobiotech:
This is not a combination electric-blanket / anorak, practical though that may sound, for everyone knows that exposure to low-frequency electromagnetic fields causes cancer. It is in fact a fitted Tumor-Treating-Field garment to cure cancers with low-frequency electromagnetic fields.
Although this treatment is mainly used for the patients with malignant glioblastoma, lung cancer and breast cancer, it is also considered to treat almost all of the solid cancers such as brain tumors, metastatic lung cancer, esophageal cancer, throat cancer, laryngeal cancer, stomach cancer, liver cancer, metastatic liver cancer, pancreatic cancer, colon cancer, ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, kidney cancer, prostate cancer, bladder cancer and sarcoma.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

But wait, there's more!

You got me, I was seeing and hoping morel.

rhwombat said...

rhw: "Doktor Bimmler! We have located another hotspot near Khyber Pass Road in Aukland"
HDB: "Again? What's the intensity?
rhw: "3739 millicreds and rising. Should we nuke it?
HDB: "Dumkopft! Look at the coordinates. We fixed that last year. Go back to sleep."

Sirius Lunacy said...

I get all of my rerum from Bacardi.

"But why is the rerum gone?!"

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Smut Clyde pursued by the Furries.

Pupienus Maximus said...

Just popping to complain that the news over here in MURICA! is full of "Abe Vigoda really is dead" stories but I have not heard a single mention of Marvin Minsky's passing. Phuching fillysteins.

Smut Clyde said...

Minsky's ascension into the Great Upload was mentioned in Boing-boing, anyway.