Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come

New Zealand is closed for mourning. Flags hang at half-mast, patriotic citizens wear armbands of Fuligin (the colour that is blacker than black), and no coffees are served other than Long Blacks, for a mighty pinetree has fallen.

But there is a silver lining to every sow's ear. For the great man's biographies emphasise his Common Touch, as a Man of the People -- a term of art meaning that he was as thick as two short slabs of macrocarpa -- and Col'n 'Pinetree' Meads distinguished himself in his dotage by pimping a Electric Bleach Water Cancer Cure (sold for $100/bottle by some organic-farm dickwad and a cashiered doctor). Thus the calamity provides a convenient segway to goings-on in the exciting world of Alt-Med!

It's been a while since we last visited the 40 St Benedict St (Auckland) premises of Michael Kelly and his colleagues at Natural Solutions, a lot of electric bleach water has passed under the bridge, and sedulous Riddled readers have been wondering what medical discoveries have emerged from there lately. I am not entirely certain what 'sedulous' means, but it sounds enough like a disease that medscammers surely offer a cure for it.

Mr Kelly has a colourful career, literally, in the sense of his Gemstone Chromatic Vibrational Healing Technology. Vide his biography, he learned "Dynamic Radiometric Thermal Diagnostics" and "Dielectric Resonance Management Procedures" in 2004. Followed in 2005 by training in "Biological Terrain Managment"
utilizing analysis of Saliva and Urine for health assessment and intervention recommendations.
If you are costumed as a giant M&M or 25-million-mg acid-tab, in preparation for being speared through the chest in an all-M&M production of Götterdämmerung, chromatic gemstone vibronic therapy will help you wear the suit with the hole in correct alighment.

All this, and much more (movement focused exercises, chinese herbs, positive mental attitudes) to overcome his own lymphoma, in the manner of Harrison Wintergreen, and in accordance with the Wounded Healer Shamanic Origin Story Archetype. The initiation into the Sufic Tradition came earlier in 1992.

This is all the more impressive when we learn from company records that Kelly was resident on Waiheke Island all the while, founding a succession of short-lived and swiftly-liquidated businesses,* before establishing Farside Bar & Cafe... which morphed into the Vibronics Tuning Centre... which became Vibronic Health... and most recently Natural Health Ltd.

Of more interest here are the companies Natural Solutions NZ and Immuno Biotech. Through the associated webstores and FB pages our man distributes life-style accountrements and GcMAF-free merchandise from a regular friend of Riddled, fermented-milk impresario Marco Ruggiero. Originally the magic medicinal yoghurt itself, Bravo, and the more-recent non-dairy yoghurt, and now the Stuff itself, Rerum®. All comprising the Ruggiero Protocol, né the Swiss Protocol. Rerum is such a successful and much-run-after blend of cheap ingredients that it has already inspired not one, not three, but two imitative knock-offs from rivals in the GcMAF community -- ReViVe from Candice Bradstreet and Omnia from Trevor Banks.

Someone tell Candice: God hates CamelCase
In fact Kelly aspires to be the only distributor of these products, and he has devoted a webpage to disparaging competing outlets, which stand accused of using the same photographs of the manufacturer's packaging of natural frozen-yoghurt suppositories.
It's about ethics in snakeoil advertising

Another webpage shows Jeff Bradstreet -- disgraced and deceased autism-exploitation charlatan -- endorsing Natural Solutions as a purveyor of fine fermented-milk products. Except the screen-grab has been retouched... perhaps as a homage to Bradstreet's career of mendacity, or as a display of commitment to the sanctity of intellectual property... and his actual blog endorsed one of those rival suppliers.
Spot the difference

The other two buttocks of the St Benedicts nates were Immuno Biotech and Rerum.biz. In a further genuflection to originality of content, the former website pretended that the company was a branch of David Noakes' Guernsey-based GcMAF dispensary of the same name.** Until last year it presented itself as an actual clinic, offering 'Licensed Medical Immunotherapy', though the agency of this licensure is unclear. The company boasted a co-director for a while, in the person of Ulrich-bero Doering, a doctor of the Rudolf Steiner school of flamboyant fabulation, who prescribed GcMAF as part of his artistic practice (in addition to sea-cucumber squeezins and homeopathic mistletoe extract).

Be that as it may -- we refuse to be side-tracked -- as part of promoting its wares, Natural Solutions plays host to no end of Rerum-related material. One finds there a PPT prepared for a recent Fulda scamboree, in which Dr Antonucci boasts of an 80% success rate in treating 40 children with autism (best not to inquire what became of the other 260 children he treated). But especially there are Ruggiero advertorials from a journal-shaped midden from a parasitical publisher, Journal of Ruggiero Studies Am.J.Immunol.

Here's a new one:

"What in the name of Azathoth is E. coli's Vaccine?" wonders the reader, for that is a whole nother kettle of red herrings, where tales abound of Innovative Galilean Genius Disdained by Mainstream Science. But here at Riddled HQ we are not so distractible, and we prefer to shift our focus with laser-like singelemindedness to the TBL-12 side of Michael Kelly's catalogue.

Cast backwards your minds, younglings, as far back as our previous loving attention to TBL-12. This product is a veritable seafood salad of sponge and sea-cucumber squeezins, shark-fin, and hitherto undreamt-of quantities of exporto grass, although the shark-related ingredient has been swept under the carpet of "other marine products" in deference to contemporary conservationist sensibilities. It comes with its own Wounded Healer origin story, at one generation removed, wherein the proprietor's father cured his own cancer when a kindly Chinese sage initiated him into the secret of the age-old recipe.

The proprietor received a few admonishing words from the Advertising Standards Authority about the illegality of claiming actual curative properties for his product, forcing him to tone down his rhetoric. No such constraint applies to the Website of Testimonials (which is totally independent), nor of course to Natural Solutions.

Persuaded by some encouraging test-tube and Phase-II trials five years ago, the FDA granted the stuff the status of "orphan drug" for multiple myeloma, in case anyone wants to research it further (the enthusiastic and ambitious researcher who conducted those trials seems to have obtained his desired promotion and is now pursuing other interests). This permission is treated as an FDA endorsement because of course it is.

So here's cricketing legend Martin Crowe, praising the cucumber squeezins for curing his own cancer [not multiple myeloma], just before it killed him. What is it about New Zealand sports celebrities sacrificing their reputations for the cause of cancer flimflam?
New Zealand cricketing great Martin Crowe is focusing on passion and forgiveness as he relies on natural remedies to keep him going through until next month's Cricket World Cup.
The 52-year-old has given up chemotherapy, but says his energy is returning and he is sleeping 14 hours most days.
"I'm taking a product called TBL-12, which is a marine supplement mainly made of sea cucumbers from the Pacific Islands. I've been taking it for about three to four months.
Another lady was not a sports celebrity, but was related to one, which was enough to convince a court to grant compassionate release from her false-promise-related jail term when she was dying of stomach cancer so she could spend her final weeks making cancer-cure false promises.

Bonus Pinetree because Oglaf
Naturally here at Riddled we are seeking to recruit a terminally-ill athlete to promote our own healing elixir -- extracted from crunched numbers -- though so far we have only managed to sign up Greenish Hugh, who was Te Awamutu Tiddly-Winks Champion 2-½ years running, and is feeling a trifle fragile after too much Christmas Ale.

Fresh-caught uncrunched numbers

Additional ingredients

* One wonders whether Nu-Image International Ltd (1999 - 2005) was in any way related to the infamous Nu-Food.

Michael Kelly is such a mischievous wee scamp. He spoofed a post on Noakes' "FirstImmune" FB page, using his Immunobiotech identity to direct readers in search of GcMAF to his own GcMAF-free product range.

Noakes has been neglecting his curatorial duties at the Face-Bukkake, so it is open-slather there. In consequence it is dominated by complaints from customers who never saw the GcMAF they paid for, and were promised a refund of their €600, only that was also lost at sea.

Of course not everyone can avoid distractions as adroitly as me. Noakes has legal challenges to his GcMAF dispensary to handle, as well as those appropriations of his brand.
David Noakes, the chief executive officer of Immuno Biotech, will appear in Folkestone Magistrates’ Court on 20 September after being charged by the Specialist Fraud Division of the Crown Prosecution Service, a spokesman has confirmed.
A local investigation into alleged money laundering, involving two individuals linked with the business, continues.
There also remains an ongoing Health & Social Care Committee investigation into potential offences under the Medicines Law, 2008.
[Don't worry, Riddled agents will attend the court hearing and pass on any news of the two other individuals under investigation]
Noakes is not wasting time: his response to these provocations is to settle the score with poison-pen denunciations of his lengthening list of enemies.
Artist's impression of Blogger as Hitmouse
Some score-settling occurs through a monthly giveaway London-borough paper that Noakes founded a decade ago to "cover issues ‘from the ordinary man on the street to the acts of parliament that go unreported in the press’" [which is to say, UKIP politics, anti-EU opinionation and general antisemitism].

The Westminster News has been through tits-up episodes since that first incarnation and has a different editor now, but the current guy is happy to let Noakes fill the front pages and the space between ads with material penned under a variety of nyms -- sometimes "Kurnal de Noailles" or "Julian Williams", sometimes just "Our Health Correspondent" -- in a style that would be thought overwrought by the standards of Dan Brown fanfic. I am not making this up: these are the headlines arriving through front-door mail slots in Mayfair and Belgravia, to provide entertainment for the jaded occupants.

Further poison-penmanship involves a splendid panoply of sockpuppet websites housed on a server / IP-address in Panama (mostly registered in São Tomé and Príncipe), targetting Noakes' enemies in the Guernsey legal system and in the UK medical-safety bureaucracy. There was gcmaftruth.st and gcmaftruth.com, but also chemo.st and chemokills.info and pharmamurders.com, mhrafraud.co.uk and mhracorrupt.st and gsy.st... you get the general theme. Now there are more, as his Hating Book acquires fresh entries! The names corrupteschweiz.ch, suissecorrompue.ch and corruptswitzerland.se suggest that he has not yet moved on from the closure of his unlicensed clinic there. I can't remember if nofda.se is new or not.

And the most recent Noakes FB post was an advertisement for his new project, healnow.se -- a growing, all-encompassing encyclopedia of self-treatment advice (albeit a work in progress) that will put readers beyond the reach of the medical system completely. Without even trying to sell Noakes' own products. Take that, medical profession!
First Immune Gcmaf
4 June
You can cure many diseases yourself. As a natural organism the body responds best to natural treatments, like vitamins, nutrients and supplements. The average Western doctor now gets less than a day on those in a seven year training, which is why their success rate has dropped alarmingly. For example, in 1890 they could cure 44% of terminal stage 4 cancer patients. Today its less than 5 %, and they wheel out the dead bodies. Healnow.se has contributions from biomedical scientists, doctors who have seen the light, and osteopaths.
H/t to PRN for the suggestion that the "44% cure rate in 1890" is a distorted, dimly-misremembered garble of Coley's problematic claims from the early 20th century.

You weren't going to talk about Coley Vaccine.

I never even mentioned Coley.

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