Wednesday, August 25, 2010

And the spider shall lie down with the frog

I always thought that newspapers liked printing fluffy heart-warming stories about unlikely combinations of natural enemies, living together in harmony. But were they interested when I sent them photographs of a frog who's best friends with a family of spiders? Were they bogroll.
It's as if they want to go out of business, which would force us to eat our fish-&-chips from yesterday's news blogs.

All the local papers seem to care about at the moment are stories about the bust-up between the five members of the ACT Party*, or the latest bullshit from the Crafar family.**
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* Arguably, another unlikely cohabitation of spiders and frogs.

** New Zealand's favourite reality-TV show.
You will recall from earlier episodes that the Crafar farmers (husband, brother and wife) went massively bankrupt, blaming their inability to run a profitable farm -- and their litany of convictions for animal cruelty and downstream environmental havoc -- upon everyone else. In the nine months since their company went into receivership, they've been squatting in the farmhouse that is no longer theirs, issuing legal appeals that would flabber the gast of Orly Taitz herself. The most recent appeal claimed that they cannot be evicted because they are tenants rather than ex-owners -- having let the farmhouses out to themselves as a tax-break, back when they still owned the property (to be more precise, in their role as individuals they leased the buildings from themselves as a company).

There is uncertainty whether a tax-evasion exercise bestows all the usual benefits of tenancy protection, and some skepticism about the veracity of the purported tenancy agreement -- extracted from the Crafars under legal duress -- which appears to have been hastily drawn up with crayon on the side of a cow. The case has been adjourned for four weeks and the Crafars have been told to provide police with the crayons for forensic examination.

If you ask me, so many improbable plot twists in such a short time have stretched the willing-suspension-of-disbelief as far as it will go, and are a sign of increasing desperation on the part of the scriptwriters. I expect ratings to decline and the show to be cancelled for the next season.

UPDATED with bonus arrows.

Also a frog, a tree-hole, and a spider. I think the arrows attract them.

18 comments:

merc said...

Ah you have not seen the script for Season 2...Shanghai Crafars Noon and the 7 Samurai have you?

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

a frog who's best friends with a family of spiders

This would make for a wacky "buddy film".

Another Kiwi said...

"Crouching Taxman, Hidden Crafar" is supposed to be quite good

Substance McGravitas said...

Noting a close association between individuals of the Dotted humming frog Chiasmocleis ventrimaculata and the burrowing theraphosid tarantula Xenesthis immanis in southeastern Peru (but read on)

Good writers avoid begging people to go further; c'mon, throw in a sex scene or a murder.

Smut Clyde said...

Further down, in the comments, we learn that
Poecilotheria are indeed wonderful spiders.[...] especially P. metallica.

There is no word as to the existence or otherwise of tarantula species such as P. manowar or P. anthrax.

Substance McGravitas said...

P. Amon Amarth.

merc said...

Spider sex...nuff said.
The other film, Actoids Stole My Farm, a heart wrenching mellow pillow drama with spicy edges and Proustian Faustiness created by the makers of a Nzild pundit media commentism blogginess thingy productionism company Pie Ass System..
Really, based on the basis of a truth story.

Smut Clyde said...

P. orridge-genesis.

mikey said...

Here's my solution. Does this somehow violate Godwins Law?

tigris said...

A picture at the first link leads me to believe the frogs' main benefit is a steady supply of stylish spider-hats.

Crafar: "Get rid of the receivers and give the farms back to fourth, fifth and sixth generation New Zealanders then you wouldn't need a campaign."

Considering the farm went into receivership because the family owed over $200 MILLION, I bet he thinks receivership should be abolished and farms should just be given back to the bankrupt. Also: a pony.

ckc (not kc) said...

I'm sure the spiders appreciate the fact that it's non-staining...nothing worse than stained throes.

Smut Clyde said...

the farm went into receivership because the family owed over $200 MILLION

I hope you said that in a Dr Evil voice. Only NZ money, mind you.

Crafar's most recent and most creative legal appeals are ones he filed himself, without the assistance of a lawyer, having dispensed with the services of his previous lawyer under circumstances that neither of them will discuss. However, in addition to his previous grievances, he is now complaining to the media about the fact that lawyers expect to be paid when they do work for you.

Also, and too, the legal dice are apparently loaded against him:
"Obviously if you haven't got the money, you haven't got any justice in New Zealand," he said.

His complaints of poverty might carry more weight if that $200 mill he had lost had been his own rather than belonging to other people.

Smut Clyde said...

I am totally putting Allan Crafar's photo forward for the 2011 Dunning-Kroger Studmuffins Calendar.

Another Kiwi said...

I was wondering about the frogs being livestock for the spiders. They must be a getting a bit peeved what with there being no discernible products that they get from the frogs.
It may be a that frogs are Spider's etchings.
"My green tree etching, let me show it to you"

merc said...

Totally are seductive etchings, one time...

cantaliv, without you ay.

M. Bouffant said...

On the side of a cow.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, it just shows how pathetic this country is getting doesn't it? Its about time some people got over themselves! Once again, this blog is a prime example of the people who don't telling the people who do how to do it! A wise man once said "when the productive people have to ask the non productive people before they produce, the country is screwed" - Allan Crafar. Sadly, this is what is happening. Then, to add to that, you get people writing blogs like this supporting the non productive people!!

WAKE UP NEW ZEALAND!!!

As individuals, we need to realise that our species is on the verge of self-extinction. We consider ourselves intelligent creatures yet we continue to poison the air we breath, the water we drink, the land we grow our food in and the oceans we catch our fish in. I see the human race as possibly the most stupid creature on the planet yet I am one of them so I must continue my path of trying to educate my fellow humans to smarten up and take a look at what impact their own actions are having on the environment.

Its easy to blame the dairy farmers for pulluting the rivers but lets take a step back andhave a look to see what really causes this shall we?

Why is there a need for large scale farms? Because people in large concentrations (cities) go to their shop and buy dairy products. In case you thought you were safe by sitting there sipping on your lovely cup of tea, just keep in mind that per hectare, cities are by far the highest polluters. The toxicity or a city is not generally spoken about because the statistics are too frightening! Not to mention the fact that ALL of the agriculture related pollution is created because it is a by-product of producing food to supply these massive, toxic wastelands!

Yet, sadly, people still get up on their high horse and point the finger at the guy that has done more work in his life to put food on YOUR table and produce income for the country so you can have a job than you could do in 5 lifetimes!

I've ranted enough. My frustration more than likely falls on deaf ears anyway.

Good luck out there people. I can honestly say I love you all but we, as a species, need to sort our shit out. The only thing you can do is change you. I am changing me, it would be nice if we all worked together on this one.

Smut Clyde said...

One thing I learned from a childhood on a dairy farm is to really despise incompetent dairy farmers.