They said some evidence was found indicating the al Qaeda leader or his associates had engaged in discussions or planning for a possible attack on a train inside the United States on September 11, 2011.[...] 1The information on plotting against the U.S. rail sector indicated one possible tactic for attacking a train was trying to tip it somehow off its tracks, one official said.
The official said it appeared from the information that this was an idea that bin Laden or his associates considered, but there was no indication now from the intelligence that further plans were drawn up for the scheme or that steps were taken to carry it out.
Behold Allahzilla!
Anonymous government sources have provided Riddled with further information about the details of how trains were to be tipped off their tracks. The plan was to detonate al Qaeda's stockpile of nuclear warheads2 at Odo Island in the North Pacific Ocean, thereby bestowing atomic super-powers upon a reptilian survivor from the Jurassic era and at the same time arousing its wrath.3**********
Anonymous sources also informed us of another cunning plot -- foiled thanks to information seized in the Abbottabad raid, in conjunction with confessions extracted at Guantánamo Bay -- to suffocate the courtiers of Emperor Elagobalus underneath several tonnes of rose petals concealed within a false ceiling.
1 "The department and other U.S. agencies have been reviewing the treasure trove of information from bin Laden's compound in Pakistan seized by the United States during the raid this week that killed the al Qaeda leader."Treasure trove "may broadly be defined as an amount of money or coin, gold, silver, plate, or bullion found hidden underground or in places such as cellars or attics, where the treasure seems old enough for it to be presumed that the true owner is dead and the heirs undiscoverable."
But can we be sure that the true owner is really dead??!
2 People may have been wondering why al Qaeda have not used their purported nuclear capacity already. The "Holding in reserve for possible retaliation" theory fails to convince, as does the explanation that they were concerned about possible bad publicity from the resulting civilian casualties.
The alternative is that the whole "nuclear al-Qaeda" story was a load of fetid dingos' kidneys... yet another illustration of the general rule that confessions extracted under torture will contain whatever the torturers wanted to hear. But that explanation does not suit the editorial line of newspapers like the Daily Torygraph, where it is an article of faith that the existence of Guantanamo Bay "has enabled the US to collect vital intelligence from senior Al Qaeda commanders".
Further evidence from the Torygraph Gullability Archives, as their journalists pick through the poop of interrogation reports released by Wikileaks in search of corn kernels that will prove the essential inhumanity of the inmates at Guantánamo :
Al-Qaeda leader put jihad before a sex life
One of the most senior members of al-Qaeda held at Guantánamo took injections “to promote impotence” to avoid being “distracted” by women, according to evidence uncovered by investigators.
Abd al-Rahim Hussein Muhammad Abdah al-Nashiri, a Saudi Arabian, was said to have reported directly to Osama bin Laden. His interrogators reported: “Detainee is so dedicated to jihad that he reportedly received injections to promote impotence and recommended the injections to others.”
He received the injections “so more time could be spent on jihad – rather than being distracted by women”.
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3 Plan B required al Qaeda members to harness their Voltron powers and unite themselves into a single giant robot.
10 comments:
Rant originally inspired by a post by Charli Carpenter at LGM, responding to WikiLeaks' release of interrogation reports, in which she puts credence in the Torygraph-sourced "Al Qaeda Nuclear Deterrent" bullshit and infers from it that the treatment of internees at Guantanamo is if anything "too soft".
She has not revisited the issue since ObL's death and the subsequent non-explosion of any nuclear weapons so we don't know if she still stands by the interrogators' "claims of a nuclear holocaust if bin Laden is captured".
In previous blog-posts, Charli has proposed that Julian Assange is a traitor to America who is subject to US law despite being an Australian citizen currently resident in the UK; and passed on a prediction that there would be no significant releases of radiation from the Fukushima nuclear plant. Presumably there is some limit to her willingness to believe what authorities tell her, but she has not yet reached it.
Beat you by (23:50)!
Contrary to all of recorded history, torture now works! As a science-y guy I'm all about changing my mind in light of new information.
I like the part of the 'nuclear AQ' story that places their bomb in europe. Too heavy to move they just need a way to get it to the US. I believe FedEx operates in Europe..."just don't mark the box as 'printer toner cartridges'" says the newest edition of the AQ Training Manual.
Beat you by (23:50)!
And with more apposite BOC lyrics too.
n previous blog-posts, Charli has proposed that Julian Assange is a traitor to America who is subject to US law despite being an Australian citizen currently resident in the UK...
Is Charli just plagiarizing from Dianne Banker Buttlicker Margaret Thatcher Feinstein, the dragon lady with no fucking heart?
~
...I wonder how many passengers get on (or off) in Holdredge, Nebraska?
With Osama bin Laden's computers and extensive collection of fridge notes now in NSA custody, it is only a matter of time before we learn how many times he's been rickrolled.
Goddam, Smutster, I'm glad I clicked on that rose petal painting. Man, there's so much action going on there I'd rather stare at that mutha than the NBA playoffs, that's fer sure.
Actually, I had an afternoon in a hotel room in Sacramento that painting reminds me of. OK, we had crank and tequilia instead of rose petals, but the whole rolling around checking out all the junk dynamic is, quite frankly, its own reward...
People may have been wondering why al Qaeda have not used their purported nuclear capacity already.
The nukes were stored in a closet in the games room and it's a pain to dig them out from under the croquet equipment.
The information on plotting against the U.S. rail sector indicated one possible tactic for attacking a train was trying to tip it somehow off its tracks,
I remember train tipping when I wa a kid. The key is making sure the trains are really asleep before you hop the fence. Once you knock them over, it is total lulz watching them try to stand up again.
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