Sunday, January 15, 2012

Night-time flowers, Evening roses #2

Ho! you exclaim. Who is this person moving so swiftly through the tangled undergrowth of the New Zealand native bush, clad all in black, deterred neither by bush-lawyer nor by supplejack, led hither and thither by the erratic path of a bat on the end of a leash? Have no fear, ill-prepared tramper: he is merely a Riddled woodroser, gathering the stinking Dactylanthus taylorii flowers with which to brew this year's batch of Juggernaut Heavy. His chiropteran companion is a Short-tailed bat, which is why it sometimes flits and sometimes scrabbles across the leaf-litter, almost as nimble on the ground as in the air.

Another Kiwi boils the wort
The ancestral recipe for the Juggernaut calls for mistletoe, but that is tailored for European botanicals. We have adjusted the ingredient list to reflect local availability. Fusion cuisine blah blah locavory blah blah blah. And Dactylanthus -- the wood-rose or Hades flower -- is related to mistletoe, both belonging to order Santalales, though in the families Balanophoraceae and Santalaceae respectively. Also the wood-rose is a more extreme parasite than mistletoe, growing entirely underground except for the flowers. A traditional antipodean Christmas would not be the same without the ritual of "kissing above the wood-rose".

So the short-tailed bat -- which is the flowers' natural pollinator -- is there to sniff them out. The scent is sometimes described as "musky", sometimes as "Squalene plus an entire Owsley-laboratory's worth of organic congenors". The Wikipedia entry compares it to "mammalian sweat". But do not be alarmed gentle traveller that your perspiration will attract a mob of pheromone-maddened bats a-licking at your armpits and a-driving you off cliffs, for (1) the comparison is not made by any of the source documents; and (2) bats have no reason to evolve an attraction to sweat, for bats do not sweat. As any fule kno.

Left: Wood-roses

What's that? We should try using Dactylanthus nectar in a perfume, by analogy with other noxious scents like ambergris and musk? Well we are way ahead of you there, and you will find our 'Woolshed' and 'Milking Shed' perfumes among the merchandise in the Riddled gift-shop (turn left on the way out). Though if you insist on looking like a cheapskate, feel free to shell out on cheaper products like the amusingly-shaped keyring.

Research on basing a perfume on Rafflesia nectar continues, undeterred by the complaints from the neighbours and the visits from the police.

19 comments:

Laura said...

I should have known that N.Z. would have some weird shit like that. I mean really, all the crap that Hercules and Xena had to fight there! It all makes sense now!

((Hugs))
Laura

El Manquécito said...

Well we are way ahead of you there, and you will find our 'Woolshed' and 'Milking Shed' perfumes among the merchandise in the Riddled gift-shop

Get a good brettanomyces infection going in your beer and you can add 'horse blanket' and 'mouse' to the aromatic palate.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

His chiropteran companion

Imagine my disappointment when I learned that this was not a raptor skilled in the chiropractic arts.
~

Substance McGravitas said...

The Batbox III linked to a voice activated tape recorder is recommended for detecting bats. If the Sony TCM-38V model of tape recorder is used volume
controls must be set at low or the automatic gain system disconnected.


MY PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED.

Rachel said...

Body Odor Cultivator

vacuumslayer said...

Dactylanthus

I would think it would get more points for not being poisonous. It's not, is it?

Another Kiwi said...

No, you fell in it when you were a baby.

tigris said...

YOU'RE ALL BANNED

El Manquécito said...

You gotta like "Beer's Beer".

Smut Clyde said...

Get a good brettanomyces infection going in your beer

Layers of complexity.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Compliments to A.K., by the way.

He looks remarkably well-preserved.
~

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

YOU'RE ALL BANNED

Jan 13 (Reuters) - A New Zealand woman has been barred from a beer-brewing contest, because she's not a man.

Rachel Beer tried to enter the home-brewing competition in the Lake Hayes Agricultural show being held in the South Island adventure tourist centre of Queenstown this weekend.

However, she was told if she entered a beer it would not be judged because the contest was for "blokes only".


Wow. Even though her last name is "Beer".
~

fish said...

Blokes-only" rule leaves New Zealand woman brewer flat

I am still wondering what this has to do with her breast size.

Substance McGravitas said...

The wood, remnants of wine and wild yeasts in the barrels all impart fantastic fruity, wild, barnyardy flavours to the aging beer.

Why not just let a pig swim in it?

Smut Clyde said...

the contest was for "blokes only".

Women can be blokes too.

Why not just let a pig swim in it?

There isn't room in the fermentation tank for a pig and a giraffe.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

However, she was told if she entered a beer it would not be judged because the contest was for "blokes only".

Wow. Even though her last name is "Beer".


She should have changed her name to "Rachel Bloke".

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

I should have known that N.Z. would have some weird shit like that.

That's not really a nice thing to say about Smut and AK, Laura.

Another Kiwi said...

I haz ancestors in the distant past called "Beer" BUT WE DO NOT TALK OF THEM!!
Also, Laura was talking about TeeVeeNZ which is worser than the real one. If that's possible. So there, Mr Zombie, the splitter.

El Manquécito said...

I am still wondering what this has to do with her breast size.

Perhaps she is small beer.