Friday, February 17, 2012

"Spirit of the Age" blogging: I would've liked you to have been deep frozen too

The concept behind the Riddled cryogenics program is to activate the cryogenes that (as any fule kno) lie dormant within the uncharted folds of the human genome, waiting until they are needed to switch cell metabolism into the solid-state frozen-protoplasm mode. Contra Substance McGravitas, they have nothing to do with blubbing like a gurl.

Rlim Shaikorth
It is not clear what strange transformations will occur upon the demethylation of the cryogenes. One source informs us that only those puissant necromancers who have undergone the ice-change are fit to dwell with Rlim Shaikorth the Great White Worm upon the high ramparts of his iceberg / citadel Yikilth. There is some doubt whether their metabolism can be restored to the normal mode afterwards.*

For long months the experiments did not yield encouraging results, although Another Kiwi is adamant that the test animals are showing brain activity in fMRI scans. It may be that we are not freezing them fast enough. Thus there has been gnashing of teeth in the Riddled Research Laboratory, and lashing out in anger upon the innocent Mettler Balance, and thoughtful silences broken only by the squeak of chalk upon blackboard and the periodic splosh of gingernut in teacup.

But now the answer has arrived, in the form of a suggestion -- from another reliable source -- that extreme acceleration may operate in a similar transformative way to extreme sub-zero temperatures, if only it is high enough.

So our cunning plan now is to activate those pesky genes by imposing two abrupt environmental changes at once -- flash-freezing and deceleration. I hope this will mollify the casual visitors and the unsympathetic inspectors from the Animal Welfare Unit, and assuage their concerns when we are seen catapulting goldfish tanks from high windows to land in the nitrogen cryostat.

There have certainly been transformations. The goldfish undergoes changes. Radical changes.



So far the results have not been replicable from one test-run to the next.


Is it about a Fishcicle?

* "...no man could depart therefrom and live again in solar warmth and terrene air, having been habituated to the coldness and thin ether."

22 comments:

Substance McGravitas said...

Expect to be reported.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I hear favorable inspection results can be bought from the A.W.U. at a reasonable expense, and I'm willing to provide the appropriate contacts for reasonable consideration.
~

mikey said...

Thanks! This is very good information.

You see, I work in an office where the ambient air temperature is quite often eighty million degrees. I have mostly just suffered in stoic silence, but NOW I know the solution.

I merely need to disable the Muir Drive...

Substance McGravitas said...

I hear favorable inspection results can be bought from the A.W.U. at a reasonable expense

What a surprise that the American recommends corruption.

tigris said...

Youse guys have totally sold out to Big Freezer.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

And of course, the Canuckistanian pretends to being as pure as the driven Celine.
~

Another Kiwi said...

"Innocent mettler balance" my arse. It knew exactly what it was doing. Smug little creep, with it's smug little "ERROR" sign.

Smut Clyde said...

totally sold out to Big Freezer.

This Big Freezer?

mikey said...

Y'know, I find chin straps to be quite uncomfortable, even to the point of unpleasantness.

If I was a superhero, I would find a way to design my headgear without the need for something as vulgar as that...

M. Bouffant said...

"puissant necromancers"

Some of those dudes are real puissants.

M. Bouffant said...

Arnold's chinstrap there was to keep his lower jaw attached to his upper jaw.

wiley said...

Nuh uh---THIS one you made up. Don't believe a word of it. What you've done to that poor goldfish is terrible. Where did you get the idea that deceleration would reanimate a frozen fish? It's clear as the nose on your face that you should have BOILED IT! What were you thinking?

Smut Clyde said...

Where did you get the idea
From SCIENCE.

Substance McGravitas said...

That always ends well.

Another Kiwi said...

From the "Ripley's Believe it or Not: Book of SCIENCE" actually!!

Smut Clyde said...

This was amusing (though I am easily amused).

vacuumslayer said...

So. Someone FINALLY put fish in the freezer.


OK, now what is this fish tank art I'm looking at? It has me agog in a totally great way.

Smut Clyde said...

Arthur Tress. Consistently amazables.

vacuumslayer said...

I'm thunderstruck. I couldn't click though fast enough. I don't know if it was because I couldn't wait to see the next image or if it was because the image I was currently looking at was revealing me as a fraud.

mikey said...

The bottle is then riddled, so that the lees settles in the neck of the wine bottle... Manual riddling is still done for Prestige Cuvées in Champagne... mechanised riddling equipment (a gyropalette) is used instead. (Wikipedia)

I reckon so.

Say, did early forms of automated riddling involve Marine Worms?

fish said...

You cannot defeat me.

I just chugged a gallon of Prestone. I am pretty sure that was a really good idea.

vacuumslayer said...

BTW, I purchased a "Fish Tank Sonata." My gob, she's smacked.