Saturday, December 7, 2013

The Persecution and Assassination of 240 Laboratory Rats as performed by CRIIGEN staff under the direction of Dr Joël Spiroux de Vendomois

Here at the Riddled Amateur Dramatic Society we are not entirely unfamiliar with hostile reviews, so we could sympathise with Séralini et al. upon hearing that their 2012 paper -- "Long term toxicity of a Roundup herbicide and a Roundup-tolerant genetically modified maize" -- had been depublished by Food and Chemical Toxicology. Evidently the paper was more of a theatrical performance than a scientific study, so we take this opportunity to invite Gilles-Eric Séralini and his colleagues to present it under RADS auspices, next open-mike night in the Wigglesworth Lounge at the Old Entomologist.

Séralini et al. are French persons who believe that GM corn is carcinogenic and mutagenic. Their experiment was designed to demonstrate its dangers, by feeding rats on a bewildering array of dietary combinations with a statistically-inadequate number of rats in each group, to ensure that at least one group would display a random but dramatic difference from the control group. They also used Brown-Jenkin rats, an inbred laboratory strain which spontaneously exhibit a high rate of blasphemous mutations -- developing loathsome titters, dextrous paws and sharp-toothed, bearded humanoid features.
The researchers were criticised at the time for ethical violations, in particular for keeping the rats alive after they had transformed (the Brown-Jenkin strain is known for attacking lab assistants and burrowing into their chests, and for kidnapping babies for blood sacrifices to the Elder Things).

The last author of the paper and source of its funding was Joël Spiroux de Vendômois, in his role as President of the anti-GM and pro-whackyness lobby group CRIIGEN. Let's look at his personal website:
I do not know what a Diploma in "Reparation of Legal Bodily Damage and Medical Expertise" involves, because Google could not recognise that phrase in any other context. One can only surmise that it involves lawyering and chasing ambulances.

You will be pleased to know, however, that his Commission's activities include
Implementation of an original and free collection system of the sharp and prickly objects both for private individuals and health professionals with a private practise financed by the General Council.
Dr Vendômois' concern is understandable (given his involvement in acupuncture) and commendable. Sharp and prickly objects (Curls up, but can’t swim — Sharp and Prickly, that’s him!) contribute to a great number of painted-jaguar-related accidents every year.

Appropriate protective clothing should be worn when collecting sharp and prickly objects. The person below right is DOIN IT RONG.


Invisible sharp-&-prickly objects are particularly dangerous.
Here a trio of disembodied flying hands demonstrate the proper way to deal with one, by weaving a protective network of energy filaments around it in the manner of the Tholian Web.

Close inspection of the disembodied flying hands reveals that they are plagued with parasitical digits and letters. It is perfectly normal for this particular strain of hands to develop such an infestation as they age; rest assured that it is not a result of inhumane experiments at the Riddled Research Laboratory, and that they will be painlessly euthanased as soon as it becomes burdensome for them

9 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I believe disembodied flying hands could be particularly useful in the roofing trade.
~

Yastreblyansky said...

I do not know what a Diploma in "Reparation of Legal Bodily Damage and Medical Expertise" involves

I am more familiar with illegal bodily damage. Possibly the doctor removes unwanted tattoos, homeopathically or otherwise. But repairing medical expertise is plainly his passion.

Substance McGravitas said...

I dunno why you need a diploma to repair someone's medical expertise. I can remove that with a bottle of vodka in short order.

OBS said...

It is perfectly normal for this particular strain of hands to develop such an infestation as they age; rest assured that it is not a result of inhumane experiments at the Riddled Research Laboratory, and that they will be painlessly euthanased as soon as it becomes burdensome for them

Hah! We all know you're simply trying to cover up the fact that the disembodied hands had been existing on a pure diet of GMO soybeans and that one really bad acetaldehyde-laden batch of Christmas Ale. ADMIT IT!

Smut Clyde said...

a pure diet of GMO soybeans

Feed perfectly fermentable grist to the lab animals? Ask yourself, how likely is that?

OBS said...

Ask yourself, how likely is that?

Ok, I admit that's pretty unlikely. At least now I know your secret ingredient for Christmas Ale.

Smut Clyde said...

I've had Sirvenos, one of the Lithuanian pea-based beers.
See also.

OBS said...

I imagine GMO soybeans that had been grown with a constant and quite generous bath of Roundup® herbicide would have quite the flavor profile. I wonder if just adding a gallon of Roundup® to the mash-tun would offer similar benefits? Gotta keep those pesky weeds out of the mash tun, y'know.

tigris said...

The times I've gotten a snootful od Round-Up it smelled like crayons, so, um, YUM.