Sunday, February 19, 2017

Mallory Ortberg homage blogging

You'll only feel a little prick.
Yeah, well, you'd shrink too if it was your upper inner thigh under the needle.* You sure you've tattooed before?
Lots of times. I practice on myself.
You're not tattooed.
Invisible ink. It'll show up in the crematorium.
You didn't just learn from a 'Tattooing-for-Dummies" book?
No no no, I'm a professional, it was a Youtube video.

Remember my design. With the salted pineapple. Not one of those fake tribal patterns.
Gonna draw a moon first, so there's enough light to keep working. And a boat. And pies, coz I'm hungry.
That only works with magic purple crayons. Not tattoo irons.
Whatever. I have purple ink. Tastes good too.
Why am I so calm and sleepy?
That's the anaesthetic kicking in.

* Joke © Tom Sharpe 1971.

1 comment:

rhwombat said...

Reminds me of an STD clinic I once worked in - though we drew the line at dogs with mouthfuls of allegorical thigh.