Sunday, January 3, 2010

The noble tradition of Walter Mitty versus the terrorist menace

When our work requires us to fly, we are always prepared to defend our fellow passengers from hijackers or would-be suicide bombers. Though the number of fellow passengers is never large, what with the Riddled executive Learjet.
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If you heed the advice from some nimrod passed on by World-o-Crap, you would also familiarise yourself with the counter-attack possibilities of stout ballpoint pens and rolled-up in-flight magazines. You would go on to
Introduce yourself to the other men on the flight. Ask them about their destination, work, and family. ... Did they play football in high school or college? ... If they’re wearing short sleeves, take a look at their forearms.
and generally do your best 'to make the men feel comfortable'. I for one am certainly looking forward to finding myself on the receiving end of these conversational gambits next time I travel by air, though airline cabin crew probably discourage the male bonders from progressing to the stage of forming an impromptu drum circle.
Someone must verbally take charge; otherwise people will not respond. That means the person who responds to the terrorists first must tell every man what to do to defend the women on the plane.
This is all very well, but there is no guarantee that suicide bombers will limit themselves to planes. Any situation where a number of people have gathered is a possible target. Bars, for instance. I'm heading down to The Old Entomologist for a pint or three of Pooter's Porter, and if I find a suspicious number of swarthy individuals gathered there I will practice verbally taking charge and telling every man what to do to defend the women.

Don't wait up for me.

23 comments:

Jennifer said...

Wow... I feel safer already.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

the suicide bombers wouldn't really target BARS, would they?

The bastards. Give them what they want. Anything to keep our Bars safe.

fish said...

I believe this video does not represent fisticuffs, but perhaps fistingcuffs.

mikey said...

Oh sure, like I'm gonna depend on the lot of you poofters to follow my detailed instructions for life-taking and widow-making at 35,000 feet. Be like asking the bag-boy at the Stop N Shop to lead an armored formation or my State Farm agent to hold a perimeter.

I'm gonna sit in my seat, casting angry and contemptuous glances at all of you, the Tangos and the Hapless victims one and all. And I'm gonna stew over your general worthlessness, and I'm gonna mutter epithets under my breath, and if one'a those muslim motherfuckers even so much as heads for the bathroom, I'm gonna...

Huh? Sure, I'll be happy to come with you gentlemen. You probably want some advice on defending this aircraft, right?

Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J— said...

I'm gonna…

The take-charge, football-in-high-school-or-college men will still check out your forearms though. It's in their nature.

what to do to defend the women

What if the terrorist is a woman? How does one protect a terrorist from herself?

tigris said...

Nice ass!

Also, regarding: though airline cabin crew probably discourage the male bonders from progressing to the stage of forming an impromptu drum circle. please see: linky poo.

mikey said...

Y'know, I was just checking out that video again and I really want to know what happens next. So the thong-boxer on the right throws an intercontinental left from way downtown (can't really blame him - do you think he wanted to end up rubbing his junk on the other thong-boxer's thigh?) and the liberal thong-boxer takes a dive right onto a conveniently placed sealy posturpedic. In the final frame he appears to be rolling onto his back and raising his feet into the air. What follows seems like it might not be fetishized violence, but something altogether different.

Additionally, I like the thongs better than the trunks the boxers wear today. I mean, if you're going to have your ass handed to you, it should be out there for all to access, don'tcha think?

Another Kiwi said...

So the full body scans are going to be used to measure fore-arms and weed out the weedy men? Thus buses will be full of "Airline rejects" kvetching about how the seats are too hard and the bus is too hot and "I get nose bleeds in the summer".
While at 30,000 feet it is a flying after-match function where "some of the lads got a little rambunctious".
Good times coming, my friends.

Smut Clyde said...

please see: linky poo.
That is taking the whole neo-primitive revival stuff TOO FAR.

guitarist manqué said...

First it was the sweat lodges and now the drum circles, is nothing sacred?

Smut Clyde said...

So the full body scans are going to be used to measure fore-arms and weed out the weedy men?

This is not entirely correct. If my understanding of new flight regulations is correct, the pencil-wristed weedy men will still be able to board their plane if they sign the waiver about their unsuitability for in-flight violence, and sit amongst the girlies in the "To Be Defended" seats. It is a big sacrifice but I am willing to make it if it makes the rest of the passengers feel safer.
No-one has the girlies what they think of this policy.

fish said...

I want access to Smut Clyde's porn sites. This is some choice stuff.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

come ON.

in that video, the recipient (catcher?) is clearly starting to fall BEFORE the hit lands.

I am going to call shenanigans, and demand the Riddled buy me drinks.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

When our work requires us to fly, we are always prepared to defend our fellow passengers from hijackers or would-be suicide bombers. Though the number of fellow passengers is never large, what with the Riddled executive trebuchet.

Fixxored for GREAT JUSTICE!!

Lack of "strike" option tasks me!

an impromptu drum circle.

That circle is not for drumming purposes...

Another Kiwi said...

I am going to call shenanigans, and demand the Riddled buy me drinks.
Drinks are in the mail, Bub.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

actually, that explains the casual mail delivery rates.,...

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Regarding airplane safety, the phrase "hardened cockpit" means something entirely different to Gary DeMar.

Sebastia said...

There's an easier way of weeding out the Islamis terrorists on a plane. Get the stewardess to shout out ""Free bar" and see who turns their nose up at the proferred free round of drinks. There's your terrorist!

Another Kiwi said...

All I'm saying is that if people fill up the Riddled Lear Jet executive wine cellar with empty Pooter's Porter bottles, they should clean it out.

mikey said...

Seems like it might be the LEAST the women could do, considering how we're protecting them with our precious forearms and shit...

Smut Clyde said...

My forearms, though silicone-rubbery rather than meaty, are still useful when defending planes.

Smut Clyde said...

I am going to call shenanigans

"Shenanigans" is the name of your dog?