Tuesday, November 25, 2014

"Sir Chengine" is my Steampunk name

We get mail!
My name is J****** and I'm an independent web strategist. While doing research I came across your business website and found several issues. Specifically, it is not fully Penguin 3.0 & Panda compliant with Google's new search engine rules and I see there are toxic links pointing to your site. You have the potential to do much better!

Whenever I find good companies with online issues I tend to reach out and let them know, In 20 minutes I can show you how you could fuel your brand and generate more revenue from search engines and social networks. These are tactics we've used to help over 300 clients grow their business and we are currently "The Leading Internet marketing Company in New Zealand"!

All I'd like to do is follow up about this with a quick phone call.... Can I call you this week to discuss some proven strategies that can help your business grow? Looking forward to your positive response.

Kind Regards,

J******* E*****
Grow Business Rankings
21 Paraite Road
New Plymouth

Hi Scuzzy Internet Grifter! You seem to have left the 's' out of your street name, inviting confusion with with the actual business based on Paraite Road, which sells animal fodder.
Engine, summing not searching
But J******* is right that our website is clearly not optimised for search injuns. I checked the logs and it appears that we are attracting searches for the following term combinations:

  • crucified women
  • st leonards church shoreditch old magazine advertising sketches
  • vowel trapezium
  • aircraft floaters
  • bobbit worm gif
  • egg drop cage with straws
  • eunicid worm
  • i remember lemuria
  • is there such thing as a 2 legged amphibian
  • "oppositional defiant disorder" rudolf steiner
  • muscle wrestling chloroform submission
[which according to the Riddled research team is probably cheating].

Conversely, there is no sign of incoming traffic from searchers for terms corresponding to the Riddled core activities of "My Little Pony" apotemnophila; vat-grown godmeat; Minotaur hentai; and of course Smut Clyde feet banana. This is very discouraging and speaks of a weakness in the website design, such as must be addressed before we invest further effort in on-going projects. What a tragedy it would be if we finished our Renaissance-woodcut animated adaptation of Return of the Sorceror and no-one came to it!

Yes, J*******, please call us this week to discuss some proven strategies that can help our business grow! Though you should probably call the palatial Riddled offices rather than trying to contact me through the university e-address. Don't be deterred if you find yourself speaking to Another Kiwi, he's quite harmless.

In the meantime, here's a little møøse trying to escape from commenter ITTDGY. Or maybe it's trying to catch up with #22, but the numbers keep resetting.

UPDATE: Return of the Skeezy Scammer!

[same name, different address]
Re: Reminder: Notice regarding your website!
I sent you a note this week regarding issues with your website and never heard back from you.

Was looking at your site again today and noticed things were the same; before I closed the task I wanted to reach out one more time.

Would you like some help with this? "We are the Leading Internet marketing Company in New Zealand!" Can I call you this week to discuss some proven strategies that could help your business Grow? Looking forward to your positive response.

Warm regards,

Jennifer Easton
Grow Business Rankings
Hanworth Avenue, Hornby
Christchurch 8042

Touched though we are by Jennifer Easton's solicitous concern, we cannot help wondering whether she is any relation to the Jennifer Easton who is Business Development Manager of the US-based Grow Biz Rankings:
We are an USA based Web Services Company with primary focus on Website Designing & Development with PHP, Wordpress, Joomla and .net development. We have our competency in CMS (WordPress, Joomla, Modx, Mambo and other quality Content Management System) and e-commerce website.
With an experience of developing more than 1000 websites successfully we are currently the leading web designing company in the USA, most of our clients have benefited from our expertise.


H. Rumbold, Master Barber said...

They have quite a palatial office.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

You have no chance to survive, little møøse. Make your time. HA! HA! HA!

Another Kiwi said...

Dear J.E. (fuck me, it's Jason Ede!!), just a couple of points: Your mail letter thing makes no mention of beer. A lot of people like beer.
My colleague forgets to mention about ringing up during afternoon nap time. This can lead to brusqueness and aspersions being passed.
Paraite Rd. looks very nice, you might want to use the stabilisers on your caravan though.
Smut, I thought we discussed the chopping up man being inna box? it doesn't centralise the narrative or whatever, also there's supposed to be a piano accordion guy in there.
Run Moose run, straight to the burger stall.>>>>

ckc (not kc) said...

...that's never a moose - more like Rudolph heading for the 25th (or agnother gnu)

Yastreblyansky said...

fuck me, it's Jason Ede!!
Isn't it pretty to think so?

I would note though that most of the Riddled clientele has already found the beer, so it may not be an issue.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

What a tragedy it would be if we finished our Renaissance-woodcut animated adaptation of Return of the Sorceror and no-one came to it!

Needs moar Vincent Price.

Smut Clyde said...

*Everything* needs moar Vincent Price.

tigris said...

most of our clients have benefited from our expertise