Everything is true, nothing is permitted: Barmpot edition

"If life gives you barms, make...:

"Don't say it", warned Evangeline van Holsterin, head barmaid at The Old Entomologist, "or that will be the last ice-cube you chew for quite some time, and all you can drink until they unwire your jaws will be floofy pink cocktails sipped through a straw."

"I was leading up to a comment about Ian R. Crane", I explained with all the dignity I could muster.

Crane features in Conspiracy Culture in the UK, as impresario of the "Alternative View" scamborees. There was no room for him in last week's omnium-gatherum post about 5G griftalicity, which was already too long. Crane's metier is turning the Crank Magnetism up to 11 Teslas and eliding whatever distinctions might remain between the seemingly non-overlapping Alt-Reality magisteria -- Alt-Med, Alt-Food-Standards, Alt-Law (Freeman-on-the-Land). Upending their separate bins of Lego-Block signifiers, so that their contents merge in one big heap of race-replacement / RFID chips / GcMAF / antivax / antisemitism / anti-immigration blocks, from which his true-unbeliever followers can pick and choose what they need to construct ad-hoc Helm's-Deep barriers to defend their world-view from inhospitable empirical evidence. To change metaphors in mid-stream, Crane envisages a broad united church of paranoid ideation, with himself as Pope.

The targets for his AV griftathons are dipsticks who live in fear of the unknowable evils lurking in every crevice of their demon-haunted world, convinced that any social swerve away from familiar territory must have been inflicted on them by the Global Elites and the Underpants Gnomes of Zurich. What Crane sells them is a more positive self-image as Riders on the Storm, joyful Reapers of the Whirlwind who flourish on uncertainty and capitalise on Chaos.

In the interests of scrupulous fairness I emphasise that contrary to the custom among his rival conspiracy promoters, Crane is not (to my knowledge) marketing any good-luck Anti-5G Cornish Piskey Charms or other stupidity signifiers. His business model for monetarising paranoia centres on tickets to these AV scamferences. Social distancing forced the replacement of this year's physical Grifter Glastonbury without impacting his business, as DVDs and on-line downloads of the proceedings work just as well when the meeting is a virtual Zoom-hosted affair... dispensing with expenses without dropping the prices. Also I remain unconvinced that his usual venue, Horwood House, provided the right kind of beerhall.



"Every dark cloud has a silk purse", Another Kiwi vouchsafed helpfully.

The acts at May's AV11 were largely a reprise of last year's, with regular stalwarts Brian Gerrish and Patrick Henningsen reprising their greatest hits. Gemma O'Doherty was there to wave the flag of white supremacy (Soros is importing mud-people into Ireland to taint the purity of our Celtic bloodline!). 5G, oh yes there was 5G beyond your wildest dreams, though the highlight was arguably David DuByne with "Planetary Lockdown as Locusts Signal a Return of Thousand Year Rain Cycles and Economic Reset".

In a late addition to the final program, David Noakes provided an evening performance, presumably phoning it in from an unknown location since he was a fugitive from justice at the time... having voided the extradition warrant in his name by way of the time-honoured Alternative Law tradition known as "doing a runner".

As well as being a recurring Riddled punchline, Noakes is the recipient of adulation and envy in Construct-your-own-reality circles for successfully defrauding so many dying cancer patients with his GcMAF-brand snake-oil. So Crane, along with Scott Tips from the pro-fraud anti-food-standards lobby NHF, had rallied the finest minds of Trutherdom to defend Noakes and his GcMAF colleague Lynda Thyer -- though any ODESSA-ratline idea they may have had smuggling him quietly out of the country crashed up against the fact that 'keeping a low profile' and 'keeping his facehole shut' are not part of Noakes' skill-set, and he was taken back into custody on May 22 "after a tip-off to police".

[Thx Dora]

Despite the switch to a virtual format, the AV website continues to solicit attendance and accommodation payments to this Gathering of the Truther Tribes, but the lapses in site maintenance are understandable given Crane's wellness issues. For in inevitably dramatic developments, preparation of AV11 was hindered by Crane's need for urgent prostate-cancer surgery, after willpower and bedrest alone failed to cure him.

@SmutClyde are you aware of Crane’s condition? pic.twitter.com/VFWPLcPjn9

— R James (@RCBLTN) April 19, 2020

In early March 2020 I went upstairs to bed one evening and only emerged in the first week of April when I was advised by a doctor in a telephone call that if I didn't get to hospital immediately I had two days left to survive.
Needless to say I immediately called an ambulance and once at hospital it quickly became apparent that the prostate cancer was only a part of the problem.I was immediately admitted in to hospital where it was established that I had multiple issues, which had hit me all at once.

It is not too late for someone to tell him how to prevent cancer with a Few Simple Dietary Rules...

...and how to cure cancer with these Suppressed Medical Tricks, all of which doctors hate and don't want you to know.

Fortunately he knows what scams hospitals are, & has devoted blistering exposes to their Big-Pharma fake treatments, so he can stay away from them NO WAIT.

Crane initially made little effort to publicise his indisposition or his decision to accept mainstream not-very-AltMed interventions, and our awareness comes mainly from his rivals and fellow conspiracy entrepreneurs spilling out their sympathetic catastrophising on Twiddle. Not saying that they regarded his possible disappearance from the scene with poorly-concealed anticipation. But oh to have been a fly on the wall Derp-State surveillance camera when those other Loonisphere thought-leaders and influencers saw the opportunity to remind the Truther Tribes of Crane's disturbing lack of faith.

To his credit, Crane had nothing but praise for the surgical intervention and the quality of his nursing care... there are no complains that the medical treatment was awful and there was not enough of it.

I have enormous respect for my NHS surgical teams and the quality of NHS nursing care that I have received.

He did milk the situation for some "COVID IS A HOAX!!!!" truthering.

Sadly my recovery has perhaps been in part at the expense of the many thousands of people who have had their routine surgery cancelled due to the current Covid19 situation. Hospitals right across the country, even the world, are effectively empty as governments wait for the impact of Covid19 which would appear to be somewhat less than originally forecast.

Crane's FaceBorg feed is now back to an alternation between COVID IS A HOAX & NEVER KILLED ANYONE!! and COVID IS BEING USED TO CULL THE POPULATION!!! So we can say with some assurance that Crane is restored to good health, has left hospital, and no longer depends on nursing staff to provide manual fecal extraction during his post-surgery constipation.